


The Only One I See

by breadqueen95



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Blood and Injury, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Near Death Experiences, Panic Attacks, Reader-Insert, Series, Young Sirius Black
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-15 03:08:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29307018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breadqueen95/pseuds/breadqueen95
Summary: For as long as she can remember, Y/N and Sirius Black have been at each other's throats. Being active members of the Order of the Phoenix only brought them in closer contact, and the results could be explosive. But one night, at a party meant to help everyone unwind, Y/N realizes that Sirius is not exactly what she thought. With a dangerous solo mission on the horizon, she has to try and sort through those surprising and unexpected feelings while preparing for the most important task of her life.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 10





	1. The Party

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to @breadqueen95 on Tumblr
> 
> Warnings for Part I: language, panic attacks, verbal fighting, mentions of poor mental health, kissing, allusions to ptsd and parental abuse

“Y/n for Merlin’s sake just _try_ to be civil tonight, okay?” Lily’s exasperated voice echoed through your flat as you were applying your eyeliner. You rolled your eyes, then continued your meticulous work. You needed a bad bitch wing to get through tonight, and damned if your best friend was going to get in the way of that.

“Y/n. Y/N. I swear to god, answer me woman!” Lily’s voice grew louder, and somehow she ended up right next to you in the bathroom. She poked you in the shoulder when you didn’t respond right away, causing your hand to jerk. DAMN IT.

“LILY. You know how shaky my hands are and how hard I have to concentrate on this shit!” You snapped.

“I don’t give a damn! Tonight is important, and I really need you to be on your best behavior. Can you at least give it a go?”

You sighed, then muttered, “I will if he will.”

The _he_ in question was Sirius Black, otherwise known to you as the single most infuriating human being to ever walk the earth. He was brash, loud, snarky, and so achingly arrogant. You wanted to stupefy him straight to hell whenever you were in the same room as him, which was as of late unfortunately often. You were both highly active members of the Order of the Phoenix, and your best friend happened to be dating his.

So, interactions were frequent.

“I am BEGGING YOU. Don’t start anything, but especially don’t give in to him. He’ll try to push your buttons, but you can’t take the bait no matter how much you want to.” She took a deep breath, then said, “We can hardly ever just hang out together, anymore. I miss everyone so much, and I know you do too—”

“—with the exception of Sirius—”

“Yes, with the exception of Sirius, I know.” She rolled her bright green eyes, then turned to the mirror and touched up her lipstick. Of course, Lily already looked flawless. She already had a bad bitch wing and didn’t need to hunch in front of a mirror with her mouth gaping open to do it.

“FUCK,” you burst out when you messed up your wing _yet again._ You threw down the eyeliner before you broke it in frustration.

“Bitch, you know there are spells for this sort of thing, right?” Lily quipped, turning to face you.

“Of course I do, I just don’t think I should be trusted pointing my wand at my face.”

“Fair enough,” she laughed, pulling out her own wand. “Okay, face me and close your eyes. You’ve got most of it down, but I’ll help clean it up.”

“Please help give me a bad bitch wing, Lil. I NEED THE WING”

“Okay okay I get it!” You closed your y/e/c eyes, trying to relax. Lily was the only one you’d trust to help you with this, everyone else could choke. You would trust this girl with your life, and you’ve had to a couple of times recently on missions for the Order.

“Y/n,” Lily started quietly, “Why are you so desperate to look like this tonight? Normally you don’t give a shit. And you shouldn’t, you know you’re gorgeous and intimidate everyone in the room no matter what.”

“Ugh…I don’t know,” you groaned, “I’m putting all this pressure on myself. I know I don’t need to, it’s our people, but even still it’s there.”

“Could it be because…Sirius?” She asked. Even with your eyes closed, you could hear the smirk in her voice.

“No, for the last fucking time, your theory about the so-called ‘sexual tension’ between me and Sirius is so inaccurate it’s insulting.” You couldn’t help but think back to your most recent interaction with the man. You let out a dry laugh, that alone proved your point…

_“Are you fucking insane or just fucking idiotic?! Hell, maybe you’re both!” You shouted at the smirking man sitting across from you._

_“Uh, how about neither?” He shouted back, “We don’t exactly have time to ‘make a plan’ when Death Eaters are shooting curses at us!”_

_“Of course we don’t, I know that! All I’m saying is that we need to plan out as much as we can before we send anyone out, so that they’re prepared for any kind of situation they get thrown in.”_

_“And while you’re wasting precious time making that plan of yours, Death Eaters gain more and more ground every day.”_

_“I’m not an idiot, I’m well aware of that fact, Black.”_

Yeah, it hadn’t been great.

Lily giggled, and muttered, “Whatever you say, ‘bad bitch y/n’.” You gritted your teeth but didn’t add anything else. Hey, the girl was pointing a certified weapon at your face. You didn’t want to give her a reason to do anything other than help with your makeup. Lily Evans would never, but still.

After a few minutes of working, Lily said, “Okay, all done.” Your eyes snapped open and you instantly turned to the mirror. Damn, the girl knew her way around a spell. You had the exact look you were going for, and your confidence increased tenfold.

“Ah, thank you so much babe!” You cried, throwing an arm around her shoulder to pull her in for a side hug. “Alright, now that I’ve got my shit together, let’s go. We deserve a night without worrying who’s going to murder us!”

* * *

As you rolled into the Potter Manor arm in arm with Lily, you couldn’t help but smile. The orbs of light James had enchanted to float everywhere cast a warm glow in every space they occupied. Sounds of jovial laughter echoed from the sitting room, and an upbeat song was playing. This was the most carefree you had felt in years, and it was _intoxicating._

When James had first invited you to come, you had been really apprehensive. Your experiences throughout the war had made you…uneasy, at best. You never really felt safe anywhere, even in your own home. But he had assured you that he and the Marauders had cast protective spells around the entire house, even the spacious gardens out back. They had even thought of detection spells farther out to indicate if someone was coming.

You felt so safe, and you loved it.

You and Lily strolled into the sitting room where all your friends were congregated. Seeing Marlene, Alice, and Dorcas, you let out a squeal and went to wrap them all in a tight group hug. Besides Lily, they were your closest friends at school. It was so rare for all of you to be in the same room anymore and seeing them happy and whole was like having a weight lifted off your shoulders.

“Evans!” A joyful voice shouted behind you, and you turned around just in time to see a messy haired young man lift Lily off the ground in a passionate embrace. You and the girls whooped and hollered, allowing your favorite couple to have a moment in which you didn’t tease them. Remus and Peter peaked around the corner, big smiles on each of their faces.

“Oi! James! You’re forgetting our most important guest!” You felt an arm drape across your shoulder, and you fought the urge to shudder. You would know that deep baritone anywhere, that stupid smug accent…

“Black, get your arm off me before I punch you,” you quipped, rolling your eyes.

“Aw, don’t be like that y/l/n! Didn’t you miss me just a _little?_ ”

“Ha! You wish, Black,” you laughed, shrugging out of his embrace. You glanced up at him to see his ridiculously disarming grey eyes looking down at you, a half-smile on his mouth. You rolled your eyes again, but remembering Lily’s request, you deigned to give him a small smile back. Hey, she never said it couldn’t be sarcastic.

You and Sirius Black had always been at odds. From the first moment you met on the train, he just…rubbed you the wrong way. He was so full of himself it made you unspeakably annoyed. You had thought of all the Marauders in the same way, but once Lily began dating James you forced yourself to try and get to know them. By that point, they had all grown up. Peter was clumsy and shy, but very kind. Remus was very studious like you, but he had a sarcastic side a rarely let anyone see that cracked you up. James was still confident, but no longer cocky. He was truly very thoughtful, and he treated Lily like the queen she was.

But Sirius…you couldn’t get past all your assumptions about Sirius. He had never shown you anything different, and it drove you mad. He flirted with anything that moved, and for some reason that included you. It didn’t help that you frequently bickered at Order meetings, constantly disagreeing on the best way to handle a mission or a target. He always preferred to act now, ask questions later. You always wanted to think things through thoroughly, leaving no stone unturned to be the most prepared. Such different viewpoints on such dire matters didn’t exactly foster close friendship.

“I had to say hello to my girl first, Pads!” James shot back; arms still wrapped around his girlfriend. “And I highly doubt Y/n wants me to greet her in quite the same way. Am I right on that, y/n/n?”

“Absolutely, James! Now keep snogging my best friend, I’m going to get a drink,” you said with a laugh, then made your way to the kitchen. You poured yourself a generous amount of Firewhiskey, then made your way back to your friends. You threw yourself into the music, trying to lose yourself and all your fears in the melodies that pulsed throughout the house. Even with the happiness that flowed from everyone, you had a hard time letting go of everything that was going on outside.

You had a mission coming up, one that no one had been told about. It was highly classified. Only Albus Dumbledore knew about it, and he was the one who assigned it to you. You were an expert curse breaker, having quite a talent for it since your first exposure to it in your later years at school. You also had extensive knowledge on wards and dark magic. With so many of Voldemort’s dealings having to do with dangerous curses, and him being the poster boy for dark and evil magic, your talents were highly sought after.

But you were a talker, at least with your close friends. Not being able to say a word about it, talk it out with your people…it left you reeling, and even more anxious than you usually were. And that said something, you were nearly _always_ anxious. And the missions you had been on…they were taking a toll. Your mental health was really suffering, but how could you say anything? Everyone was dealing with shit, not just you. It felt selfish you add on to everyone’s problems with your own.

So, silence was your current play. As much as it sucked, it was what you had to do.

**_BANG_ **

A loud noise sounded from right outside the room. Your heart nearly stopped beating, and you dropped to the floor so fast it was like you had fallen over. The music went silent, and everyone had their wands drawn, you included. You were crouched over while everyone was standing, but you couldn’t get yourself to get up and face whatever it was. It couldn’t be happening, not now please not now—

James, Remus, and Marlene all peaked outside to investigate. All the while, you tried to get your racing heart and breathing under control. Panic was threatening to overwhelm you, and that was no state to be in if Death Eaters swarmed the house—

“It’s okay, guys! Just the cat knocking over a garden hoe, absolutely nothing to worry about,” James called out as he strolled back in the house. He was trying to stay upbeat, but his voice was shaky as he ran his hand through his black curls. Marlene and Remus soon followed, relieved smiles on their faces. Peter turned the music back on, and everyone was able to take a deep breath.

But not you.

Try as you might to reason with yourself, you couldn’t seem to get yourself off the floor. You had shifted over by the arm of the sofa, trying to blend in with the shadows. You put your head between your knees and tried to stay invisible as you forced air into your lungs, trying so damn _hard_ to just calm the hell down. Your hands shook fiercely, your wand waving from your fist like a branch in a storm.

Suddenly, there was a warm hand on yours.

“Come on love, up you get. Let’s get you somewhere quieter, all right?”

That warm hand closed around your wrist and pulled you to your feet. You kept your head down, unable to meet the eyes of anyone who might be watching. The typically brave and fearless Y/n, having an absolute meltdown at a party over a cat. What must they be thinking? Godric, Sirius must be having a right laugh—

Wait.

That voice, the voice that felt like a lifeline in a storm, the one muttering soft reassurance to you now as it led you from the room…That was Sirius’ voice.

Even with your strong and unfavorable opinion of the man, he felt like a godsend right now. And it was Sirius Black, the man you could barely stand to be in the same room as, who was the only one who saw you losing your shit and got you out of there. He’s getting you to safety, and he’s got his arm wrapped around your waist, practically holding you together.

Your overstimulated brain could barely process all of that as you walked on unsteady feet to wherever it was he was leading you to.

Suddenly, the loud voices and music was muffled as a door shut behind you. Your hands were still trembling, heart still threatening to break out of your chest, lungs constricting with every breath you tried to take.

“Let’s get you sitting, then you can get your head between your knees. We need to get your breathing under control, does that sound alright?”

You nodded, and that warm hand around your waist supported you as the other gently pushed you back into a plush chair. You immediately put your head between your legs, curling in on yourself as tightly as you could.

Sirius gently placed his hands over your fists, rubbing soothing circles over your clenched fingers. He didn’t say a word, didn’t try to make you do anything. He just…sat with you, just lending his comforting presence as you tried to get your panic under control. For as much as he infuriated you most of the time, you felt like his soothing hands were slowly pulling you back down from the atmosphere, helping you breathe again. He pried your wand from your hand. After he set it down somewhere, he slowly helped you unfurl your fingers. You felt your knuckles crack as they loosened, but Sirius kept rubbing them until they were able to relax in his grip completely.

Once your lungs had stopped squeezing, and your breaths had returned to normal, you slowly picked up your head and opened your eyes. You found Sirius kneeling in front of you, normally smirking face wearing an expression of concern and empathy. His mouth quirked up in a small smile when your eyes met, and he looked slightly relieved.

He kept his hands on yours as he whispered, “Welcome back, love.”

You gave him a shaky smile and replied, “Thanks. Sorry about that, I honestly don’t know what happened.”

“Has it happened before?”

You thought about lying, but Sirius had just seen such an intimate part of you…you didn’t have it in yourself to keep it from him.

“Honestly? Yeah…They started back in school over small things, but they’ve gotten worse with…everything that’s happened, everything I’ve seen…” You trailed off, your mind threatening to careen into flashbacks, effectively pulling you back into your panic.

“They’re panic attacks. I get them to, and I have for a long time,” he murmured, those fingers still making patterns on yours.

“How long?” That surprised you. Confident, cocky Sirius Black? It didn’t fit with your perception of him…fuck, none of this did.

“Since I was little, maybe 5 or 6?” When he saw your look of shock, he added, “My childhood and family life wasn’t the best, lots of bad experiences. I’ll tell you about it sometime when we’re not at a party and you’re not coming down from a panic attack.” He added the last part with a laugh, but you could tell whatever had happened haunted him.

You squeezed his hands back and whispered, “I’d like that, actually.” He stopped laughing and met your eyes in wonder. You couldn’t help but add, “I’ve been a bit…unfair to you.”

“How so?” He asked.

You barked out an empty laugh, and said, “I haven’t bothered to get to know you, and based off this experience alone I’d say my perception is a bit off. The Sirius I thought I knew would never have helped me the way you just did. Thank you.”

“It was nothing, y/l/n.”

“Not to me, it wasn’t.”

Words fell away after that. The two of you had barely had an interaction where you weren’t biting each other’s heads off, and you weren’t quite sure what to do. Arguing was how you had always conversed with him but yelling at him at any point after tonight seemed so wrong. Something significant had shifted, and you didn’t know how to handle it.

“So, uh…how are you feeling? Do you want to go back to the party?” He asked.

You thought about it for a moment, really considering it. Is that what you wanted? Honestly, the idea of being around people after that seemed like it would be way too much.

“I wish I wanted to, but I really don’t. I feel awful, I wish I could. I miss everyone so much, you know?”

“I do know, trust me I do. But you need to take care of yourself, darling. Do you want me to get Lily? I don’t feel too comfortable letting you travel by yourself.”

“No, she’s having such a good time. And she’s with James, I can’t be the one to interrupt that,” you muttered, finally pulling your hands from his as you stood up. They felt emptier, colder, without his fingers in your grip.

“In that case, can I at least get you home safe?”

“Take Sirius away from a party? C’mon, even I’m not that cruel,” you retorted.

“Actually, I’d rather not be here anymore, either” he admitted, sheepishly running a hand through his dark hair, “It’s kind of a lot, and I really want to go home and sleep, but I really want to make sure you’re safe before I do.”

“Well, okay. I guess that’s fine…thank you, it means a lot to me,” you said quietly. He smiled at you, so sincere compared so his normal smirks, as he went to explain to James and Lily. When he got back, you put your hand back in his, and gripped tight as you apparated back to your flat.

As soon as he had inspected your place with you, making sure no one had broken through the wards, he got ready to apparate to his own place. But not before giving the oddest look to you, something deep and sincere in his eyes.

“You’ve got a mission coming up, haven’t you?”

You froze, not knowing how to respond. So instead, you just gaped at him, the panic rising in your chest.

“How the fuck did you—”

“My panic attacks always get worse when I know something big is coming, something like a mission. It’s okay if you can’t confirm it, I know how Dumbledore is with these things. Will you just promise to let me know when it’s over and that you’re safe?”

Damn it, you were so fucking _wrong_ about him.

Instead of responding, you went to him and wrapped him in a tight embrace. He went kind of rigid with shock at first, but then relaxed and wrapped those warm arms around you. If you had told the you of a couple of hours ago that you’d be hugging Sirius Black like your life depended on it, you would’ve laughed right in your face and then kicked it for good measure.

You leaned back and murmured, “I absolutely will.” He smiled softly at you, and then turned to leave.

“Wait, Sirius—” He stopped and turned to face you again, eyebrows knitted together in confusion. You took a deep breath and said, “I can’t thank you enough, for tonight I mean. You saw me falling apart when no one else did, and you made me feel so safe. I don’t know how to explain what that means to me.”

His mouth quirked into a smile again, and he responded, “When I’m in a room with you, you’re the only person I see. It doesn’t matter how many people are in there with us, I only ever see you. It’s been that way for a long time, and I don’t think it’ll change anytime soon. I’ll always see you, and I’ll always keep you safe.”

Then, like the dipshit he was, he turned and left your flat without saying anything else or explaining himself. Your mouth dropped open, and you stood gaping at the door for a long time.

Okay, what the actual fuck?


	2. The Mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/n embarks on her most dangerous mission yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to @breadqueen95 on Tumblr
> 
> Warnings: kissing. mentions of torture, death, panic attacks. toxic men.

The following week was spent meticulously preparing for your upcoming mission. At least, you were trying to…

A certain someone kept invading your thoughts. A leather jacket wearing, ridiculously good looking, deceptively kind-hearted someone. Someone who used to stir feelings of annoyance and anger now stirred…feelings of what, exactly? Warmth? Comfort? Happiness? …Affection, even?

You were beyond confused. As much as you had needed him that other night, as much as he had helped, now he was just distracting you. This mission needed every single ounce of your attention and intelligence. It would be incredibly dangerous. You were to disarm the wards and traps around a high-ranking Death Eater’s home: Rodolphus and Bellatrix Lestrange. They were thought to be quite close to Voldemort’s inner circle, if not very much a part of it, and the Order needed to be able to carry out surveillance without alerting the occupants that they were being watched. Not only did you need to disarm them, but you needed to be able to reinstate them after the Order got what they needed. No one outside of the Order could know, and this had to happen again and again.

The past few days had been spent pouring over any and all information you had. You studied up on everything you knew about the types of wards they would use, which would not only include standard security spells but also ones that included dark magic. If you weren’t careful, if you were to set one off…the consequences could be dire. Not to mention the very dangerous people that lived in the home, and those who visited. The magic was one thing, but if _they_ were to find you? Merlin, you didn’t even want to think about what would happen then. You would be as good as dead, but not until after they’d torture you for information.

So Sirius Black continuing to invade your every thought was definitely not ideal.

Now here you were, hours before you were set to meet Dumbledore for your final briefing, and you still couldn’t get him off your mind. His stupid good-looking hair, his stupidly attractive smile, the way he made you feel absolutely STUPID for getting him all wrong. And damn, you hated being wrong.

You let out a loud groan, leaning back in your desk chair and pushing your hair out of your face. Last minute studying had never been your forte, especially when you were terrified, and even MORE SO when Sirius kept poking his head into your thoughts. It wasn’t a good mix, and you had a feeling tonight was going to go so very wrong.

“Doing okay in here, Y/n?” Lily’s voice sounded from your doorway. You were so lost in thought that it made you jump.

“Damn girl, could you knock next time? You scared the shit out of me,” you scolded, but also not really because it was Lily.

“Where’s the fun in that?” She joked, but a frown tugged at the corners of her mouth when she saw how stressed you looked. She had been worried about you all week. Your nose was constantly in some sort of notebook or textbook, you were barely eating anything, and every time she happened to be up late in the night your light was always on. You looked even worse now, with dark circles under your eyes and exhaustion lining every inch of your face. The pen quivering in your hand gave away your shaky hands.

“Are you okay?” She asked, slowly making her way into your bedroom. She sat down on gingerly on your bed and faced you head on. You turned in your chair to face her, knowing she wouldn’t leave unless you had some kind of conversation with her. Pasting a bright smile on your face, you prepared to lie. Lily couldn’t know what was happening tonight. Dumbledore had made you swear.

“Yeah, I’m totally fine. What makes you think I’m not fine?”

“Uh, maybe because you’ve been my best friend for almost 10 years now? I know you better than anyone, and I know something is going on. And you can drop that ridiculous smile, it’s not fooling me for one second.”

The fake smile fell away from your face, and you fell silent. Chewing your lip, you tried to figure out what to tell her. Merlin, she would never believe anything you had to say…Lily was right, she knew you too well for you to try to lie.

But…what if you just didn’t tell her the entire truth?

“I’m, uh, kind of stressed about Sirius.” You muttered, looking away from her knowing eyes.

“What about Sirius?”

“I think I might…um…have maybe kind of been wrong about him?” You admitted. As hard as it was to admit that to Lily, who had suspected there was something there from the beginning, it was better than telling her about the mission.

“HA! YES! I was right bitch; you can admit it at any time!” She burst out, jumping up from your bed and pumping her fists in the air.

“HEY. NONE OF THAT. I will be admitting nothing, I have no idea what you’re talking about!” You shouted over her yells of victory.

“YES YOU DO! The sexual tension! It’s a thing and you know it!” She grabbed your hands and pulled you up to join some kind of ‘victory dance’ she was doing, and while you rolled your eyes you couldn’t help but smile.

“Lily. LILY. Pay attention, please! I’m trying to open up here and your gloating is making it very difficult!” She managed to calm down but kept hold of your hands and kept the shit-eating grin on her face. “Something happened the other night, and he turned out to be completely different than who I thought he was.”

“I WAS WONDERING ABOUT THAT--!”

“It isn’t what you think, I promise you that much. Remember the loud noise we heard outside while we were all dancing? Well, it kind of…caused me to have a panic attack. I hid from everyone. Even while I was hyperventilating, I didn’t want anyone to see. But Sirius…he still saw me.”

“BITCH WHAT—”

“Lily I swear if you don’t shut up I will _withhold information_.”

When she obediently stopped talking, you continued, “He took care of me. He got me into a quieter room, helped me calm down, and was just…there for me. He was so much gentler and kinder than I ever expected he could be. He took me home, just for the sake of making sure I was safe. But before he left, he said something that I can’t get out of my head.” You paused for a moment, not sure how to get yourself to reveal such intimate information.

“Well, what did he say?” Lily prodded, but much softer this time around. She knew you, and knew this must be hard to admit, let alone process.

“Well, uh, after I thanked him for taking care of me, for seeing me, he uh…he said that I was the only one he ever saw when we were in a room together.” Ignoring Lily’s barely contained squeal, you soldiered on and added, “Then he promised he would always keep me safe.” Lily full on screamed now, a huge smile plastered on her face.

“YES! I knew it! I knew he cared about you, y/n! What did you say? Did you kiss him? Oh my god, PLEASE tell me you kissed him—”

“NO. No, I didn’t kiss him. And I didn’t say anything, either. He left right after that. Who fucking does that? Says something so kind and wonderful and just LEAVES? Like what the fuck, Lily?!”

“Okay first of all, stop trying to find something to get mad at. I know you think you’ve hated him for a long time—

“--BITCH YES I HAVE—"

“--but you haven’t, so cut the act. Second, he probably wanted to give you time to think things over. He knows you better than you think. Would you have even said anything if he had given you the chance?”

You paused, thinking it over for a minute. Would you have? No, actually, you probably wouldn’t. You still didn’t know what you would say to him next time you saw him, and quite a few days had passed since that night.

“Godric, I don’t even know, Lil. Probably not, if we’re being honest.”

“See? He knows you.” She looked at you intently, then asked, “How do you feel about him now?”

“I mean, definitely different. I just don’t know how to explain it yet,” you conceded.

The truth was that you _did_ know how to explain it. At least a little bit. Sirius had been able to make you feel wholly and completely safe, for the first time in years. Whenever you thought about him, thought about that entire night, a warmth bloomed in your chest. Your stomach got all fluttery, and whenever you thought about seeing him again, the flutters got so intense you had to get up and move around to work off the nervous energy. It made you question every single interaction you’d ever had with him—instead of being annoyed with him, now what you felt was…yep, Lily was right. Sexual tension.

But confessing all that to Lily? That made it real. You were about to go on the biggest Order mission of your life, and that was something you couldn’t deal with. Not right now, anyway.

“Well, maybe if we talked it out, I could help you figure it—” her voice broke off. You looked up and found her eyes on the documents on your desk. Shit. SHIT. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT—

“That’s weird, why is the name ‘Lestrange’ on those documents? Are you doing some extra research for the Order?” Before you could stop her, she leaned forward to get a better look at them. Once she realized what they were, her eyes narrowed and she snatched them off the desk. She glanced through them quickly, evading your mad grabs for them with ease. The pair of you continued this odd dance around your room for a few more seconds before she whirled around to face you, suspicion overtaking her expression.

“Why do you have the house plans for the Lestrange mansion?”

“Well, uh, you see, I—”

“Furthermore, why do you have so many extensive notes on wards built by dark magic? Not only how they work, but how to disarm them? What the fuck is going on?”

You couldn’t meet her piercing gaze, so instead you guiltily looked down at your feet, wringing your hands. You had no idea how to answer her. At this point, anything but the truth would not only be an insult to her intelligence but also to your friendship.

“It’s for an Order mission. I can’t explain exactly what I’m supposed to do, Dumbledore forbade it, so please don’t ask.” You continued to avoid her gaze, but she grabbed your hands in hers. You looked up to see her expression had shifted from apprehension to worry bordering on panic.

“When do you leave?”

“Tonight. In a few minutes, actually. I need to meet Dumbledore for his final briefing before I begin.”

“Do you have backup? Who’s going with you? When will you be home?” She asked every single question in rapid succession, barely giving you a moment to formulate an answer.

“I’m going alone, and I don’t know. I’m hoping it’ll only take a few hours, but I won’t know the situation until I see it.” You pulled away from her, not able to look at the fear in her eyes for one more second. Your resolve was already wavering, but one more look at your frightened best friend would break you. You gathered the supplies you knew you would need and put them in the small bag you’d be bringing with you, which had an undetectable extension charm placed on it.

“ _Reducio_ ,” you muttered as you pointed your wand at it. Once it had shrunk to a manageable size, you stuffed it in the pocket of your jeans. You shrugged on your jacket, then tied your hair back. There. You were ready. Shoving all lingering fears and thoughts of Sirius aside, you tried to get in the right mindset. If you were even slightly distracted, you could be putting yourself in danger. Taking a deep breath to strengthen your resolve, you turned around to face Lily. You surged forward to wrap her in a tight hug.

“Try not to worry too much, Lil. I’ll be back before you know it.” You pulled away quickly and left the room before she could say anything else. You couldn’t bear for her to see the tears forming in your eyes. You only hoped everything would be fine, that you’d be able to pull this off.

* * *

Lily paced in the sitting room of your apartment, repeatedly running her hands through her dark red hair. It was full of knots now form how much she’d been doing it. An even bigger knot was forming in her stomach and had been ever since y/n had left for her mission.

Lily couldn’t be mad at her, not really. Dumbledore made Order members keep secrets all the time, even from each other. This was normal, completely normal. At least, that’s what she kept trying to tell herself. She’d been on countless missions at this point, and she was used to the danger they all put themselves in. It was for a cause bigger than themselves.

But this…this seemed worse, somehow.

While members went on solo missions all the time, Lily never thought Dumbledore would send someone so young and inexperienced on one to the Lestrange Mansion of all places. Y/n was talented, extremely so; Mad-Eye had tried to recruit her for the Aurors more than once. But she had never been in a situation like this, and because she had repeatedly turned him down she didn’t have any formal training either. It felt like she was walking into a trap and there was nothing Lily could do to stop her.

A series of quick knocks sounded on the front door, jerking her out of her pacing. However, instead of being scared, Lily had a look of intense relief flow over her features. She nearly ran to the door, threw it open, and threw herself into the waiting arms of her boyfriend. James Potter held her tightly and walked them both backward into the apartment. Lily, who had her face buried in his shoulder, didn’t see the second man who had accompanied James. The man turned and closed the door behind him, locking it securely and added a few extra security spells of his own.

He made himself known soon enough, unable to keep himself from practically begging for information.

“Lily, where is she? Did she tell you anything?”

Lily looked up in surprise, eyes widening as she took in Sirius’ panicked expression. He looked just about as scared as she did, maybe even more so.

She wiped her eyes and said, “No, she only told me she had to leave for a mission. I was talking with her in her bedroom, and I looked over and saw all these documents on her desk. I thought I saw the name ‘Lestrange’ so I grabbed them and read them before she could stop me. She had house plans, notes on dark magic security…and how to disarm them.”

Sirius sighed, and his head drooped. He knotted his fingers through his hair and just stood there, unable to say anything else. He had been thinking about Y/n the entire week. He had thought about how things had changed at the party, of course, how she had looked at him so differently by the end of the night. But mostly, he was terrified for her. He had no idea when this mission was even happening, and he was scared out of his mind that Lily would show up one night saying she was dead.

James grabbed Lily’s hand and Sirius’ elbow, then steered them toward the couch. It was going to be a long night as they waited for any kind of news, and even then they might not know anything by morning. The two most important people in his life were panicking, and he had to be there for them.

“Tea, anyone?”

* * *

The briefing had been…less than informative.

You creeped along the edge of the Lestrange property, your disillusionment charm working perfectly as it helped you blend seamlessly into your surroundings. You were just about to finish your sweep of the entire outline of the property, and things were going great so far.

Even so, you still felt exceptionally on edge.

Dumbledore hadn’t had anything new to contribute before sending you into the lion’s den. He just reiterated the same intelligence you had been pouring over and memorizing all week and emphasizing how important this mission was for the Order. As if you didn’t know. You knew exactly what was riding on this, it was why you had prepared as extensively as you had. The Sirius distraction aside, you were an expert at this point on dark magic wards and the Lestrange house. Even as you continued to tell yourself this, you still felt like you were somehow unprepared for something.

As you circled back around toward the back of the house, you knelt down behind a bush. Your disguise was working well, but the cover still made you feel safer. Taking a deep breath, you tried to figure out exactly how to begin. You had a vast list of detection charms in your head, but any one of them could alert the people inside that someone was trying to get in. Turning your wand over in your hands, you thought everything over, trying to decide how best to approach the situation.

Deciding on a path, you silently cast _homenum revelio,_ making sure you weren’t being watched before beginning your work. Satisfied no one was nearby and watching, you began your intricate wand work. You made quick work of the outer layers, and then each consequent layer of spell work after as you got closer and closer to the back gate to the gardens. You couldn’t help but be proud of your preparation, knowing it was the only thing getting you this far. Maybe all of your stress had been for nothing.

Finally, you were standing before the black iron gates at the back of the house. There was a single light flickering in one of the upstairs rooms of the massive house, but other than that it was completely dark. You knew this was only a cognizance mission, but you had hoped to learn something else besides how the security worked. Any bit of intelligence would help in the future, but it seemed like nothing was happening tonight.

You took a few moments to analyze the gate before you. Being the last barrier between the house and the outside, it had to be particularly powerful. You knew you had to approach this carefully, or all the work you did would be for nothing. During your analysis, you hadn’t noticed the quiet footsteps approaching you from behind. When you had met no resistance during your work toward this point, you had gotten too comfortable.

**_SNAP_ **

A twig snapped behind you, jerking you back into reality. You whirled around, but before you could even think about casting some kind of non-verbal spell, you were face to face with none other than Severus Snape pointing his wand directly at your heart. Ignoring the horror that surged through you at the sight of the Death Eater, you forced a smirk onto your face as you looked into his hate filled eyes.

“Come now, Snivellus. Is that any way to greet an old schoolmate?”

“That’s a rich sentiment considering our history,” he sneered, “you’re the reason Lily stopped speaking to me.”

“Uh, no,” you laughed, “ _you’re_ the reason Lily stopped talking to you. Or was it your evil twin who called her a blood purist slur?” He raised his wand higher so that it was now pointing directly at your face.

“I wouldn’t be laughing if I were you,” he muttered darkly, “not with the plans the Dark Lord has for the Order spy he knew would be coming tonight.” Your stomach fell out of your ass at that. How could he possibly have known you were coming? No one knew the details of this mission, not outside you and Dumbledore.

You tried to hide your shock as you rolled your eyes, “Aw, is he going to torture me like the sick prick he is? Or will he let you have a go at it? I gotta say Sev, I didn’t think you’d become a terrorist just from a girl rejecting you. That’s some fragile masculinity at its finest, my guy.”

“Will you _shut up,_ ” he hissed, his patience obviously wearing thin, “that was always your problem, you never knew when to just shut your goddamn mouth. Always butting in where you didn’t belong, and now look where it’s gotten you.”

“Actually, I think I’m in quite a good spot actually.” You smirked, finally having gotten him exactly where you wanted him. _Distracted._

“Oh? And how’s that, Y/l/n?”

You didn’t waste the breath responding, only sending one more smirk his way for good measure before kicking him right in the balls. He had been so sure you’d defend yourself with your wand, so entirely focused on how much he loathed you, he never saw it coming.

As soon as he let out a high-pitched whine and hunched over in pain, you began an all-out sprint for the tree line. You knew that even by disarming the wards that allowed you to get as close as you did, you couldn’t risk trying to apparate within the property line. If you did and there was some kind of curse, it could be disastrous.

“You fucking _bitch!_ ” You heard Snape bellow behind you. He sounded slightly out of breath, like he was giving chase. Your suspicions were confirmed as a green jet of light zoomed right over your shoulder, narrowly missing you by inches. You sent a couple of defensive spells over your shoulder. You knew you probably wouldn’t be able to stop him, but that wasn’t the point. If you could slow him down just enough, you might be able to buy yourself enough time to reach the edge of the property and disapparated.

Almost there, you were almost there. You could just start to make out small details in the trees closest to you. You pushed through the burning in your lungs, the cramps in your legs, pushed through your blind panic. You were so close, so damn _close,_ all you had to do was make a few more feet and then you were free. You could go home.

Finally reaching the edge of the property, you began to turn on the spot to disapparated to safety. You had made it, everything would be fine, you would see Lily. And Sirius, you could get to Sirius--

_“SECTUMSEMPRA.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the lack of Sirius content in this one! Get ready for next chapter though y'all ;)


	3. Near Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After narrowly escaping the Lestrange House, Y/n is in for the fight for her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: blood, gore, major injuries. language. panic attacks. ptsd and trauma. verbal arguing. 
> 
> Originally posted to @breadqueen95 on Tumblr
> 
> I'm so in love with this story so far, and I so appreciate anyone who takes the take to read it <3 Thank you!

In a whirl of sudden brightness and color, you landed with a stagger right in front of your apartment door. You felt an excruciating pain over the entire front of your torso. Your hands immediately went to the pain, but instead of feeling the softness of your shirt, your hands came away sticky with blood.

For a brief second of shock, you could only look at the dark red staining your fingertips. Then you looked down at your front and realized just how much blood was seeping through your shirt. While it was dark in color, it was easy to tell how seriously you were wounded. Swaying on the spot, you hunched over to try and control some of the agonizing pain and the bleeding. You wrapped your arms around yourself in a feeble effort to hold yourself together. Taking deep breaths through your nose, you looked at the door in front of you. Just getting inside seemed like a monumental task. 

_Make it inside. I just need to make it inside, and Lily can help me._

You fumbled at the doorknob, the blood still covering your hands staining the steel. When it wouldn’t even turn, you remembered the wards. Knowing you wouldn’t be able to even _begin_ to disarm them, you feebly knocked on the door with an open palm. The red handprint against the stark white of your door made you nearly vomit.

It took a few minutes for Lily to answer, but when she did, you were confused to see that it wasn’t Lily.

“S-Sirius?” You whispered, barely able to get the words out.

“Y/n? Sweetheart, what happened? **Shit, is that blood?** ” He said in a rush, panic making his voice rise with each new inquiry. Your knees gave out at that point, unable to support you any longer as blood continued to seep from the gashes across your torso. Sirius caught you right before you hit the floor. Getting one arm under your knees while supporting your back with the other, he scooped you up and rushed into the apartment, kicking the door shut behind him.

“Lily, James, HELP ME SHE’S HURT!” Sirius’ shout echoed throughout the room, and you heard Lily’s cry of panic and James’ sharp intake of breath as they both took you in. The pause didn’t seem to last long before you heard quick footsteps around you. You could barely keep your eyes open, you were so fucking exhausted, and the pain was so much…

“Y/N. DAMN IT, Y/N YOU STAY WITH ME,” Sirius shouted down at you as he placed you on a soft surface, “DON’T YOU DARE CLOSE YOUR EYES.”

Pressure, there was pressure on your stomach. Somehow the pain didn’t seem so unbearable anymore, everything felt…softer, somehow.

Hands. Warm hands cupping your face. Sirius’ face leaned over you, but he was so fuzzy.

“Y/n, baby please keep your eyes open,” Sirius begged. You vaguely heard someone sobbing in the background. Lily?

You tried to get your arm to cooperate, to reach up to Sirius’ fingers, to reassure him that you were fine. But they wouldn’t work, nothing seemed to work.

“Lily, did you contact Dumbledore?!” Sirius asked, voice trembling. She didn’t answer.

“She did, he should be here soon,” James’ steady voice responded.

The voices around you were starting to get quieter. Darkness was closing in around your vision, and as much as you wanted to, you couldn’t keep your eyes open any longer. They slid shut on their own accord, you everything began to drift away.

“Y/n?! No, please no. You are fucking STAYING; do you hear me?!”

Sirius’ voice was the last thing you heard before everything vanished into the warm embrace of darkness.

* * *

Sirius had stayed right next to Y/n the entire night, clutching her limp hand in his. He had stayed even as Dumbledore burst into the room. He stayed even after he and Lily had cut open her shirt, even as the extent and severity of her injuries were revealed. Sirius stayed, even as he saw blood pulsing from the deep gashes across nearly the entirety of her front.

He hadn’t even registered the tears pouring from his eyes, or the blood that stained the front of his shirt. _Y/N’s_ blood. All he knew was that Dumbledore was the only thing that stood between her and death. Essence of Dittany hadn’t been able to close Y/n’s wounds, as they had most likely been inflicted by dark magic. She had slipped into unconsciousness some time ago. The only thing that indicated she was still alive was the inconsistent and thready pulse in the wrist wrapped in his hands.

Even as Dumbledore recited spell after spell, wand moving over her prone figure in complicated movements, Sirius kept his eyes on Y/n’s face. Her y/e/c eyes, usually so full of mirth and life, were shut. She was completely closed off from him, taken into a place he couldn’t follow. It broke his heart anew every single second he looked at Y/n, knowing he couldn’t do a damn thing to save her. He simply had to rely on the wizard that had put her in this situation in the first place and trust he would be able to save her life.

Even now, even in a room full of other people with so much going on, she was the only one he could ever hope to see.

Damn it, he couldn’t lose Y/n before he even had a chance to tell her how he felt. Things were _just_ starting to change. He finally had hope that he might be able to show her how much she meant to him, and her losing her life in a pointless act of violence wasn’t part of his plan. None of this was.

Godric, he’d never been more scared in his life. Seeing her hunched in her own doorway, blood staining the entire front of her shirt, pulsing into her hands as she pushed them into her wounds…It was something he’d never be able to forget, no matter how hard he tried.

He pressed her hand to his mouth in a gentle kiss, silently begging any deity that was listening to save her life.

“There, I think I’ve managed to close her wounds,” Dumbledore’s calm but exhausted voice broke the tense silence that had blanketed Y/n’s bedroom. Sirius looked over, finally able to tear his eyes away from her face to see that her injuries were closed and no longer bleeding. They looked red and angry, but somehow she wouldn’t lose any more blood.

“Ms. Evans, would you please retrieve a blood replenishing potion for Ms. Y/l/n? Come to think of it, grab your entire supply. I imagine she’ll need more than one dose throughout the night.” Lily rushed from the room in a flash, James following her to help carry the fragile bottles. Lily was nothing if not well prepared, so Sirius knew she had a couple of bottles of the lifesaving potion on hand. Dumbledore seemed to know this too.

Silence settled over the room once again while they waited for James and Lily to come back. Sirius couldn’t help but glare at the elderly wizard waiting patiently at the foot of the bed. He wasn’t busy trying to heal the girl he loved anymore, so he felt he could reveal the extent of his animosity toward him.

“What the _fuck_ were you thinking? Sending her to the Lestrange House on her own?! Without any kind of backup? How could you do that to her?!” Sirius’ managed to keep his voice at a low volume for your sake, but the intensity rose with each question, nonetheless.

Dumbledore didn’t react with anger. Instead, a look of profound sadness and regret painted his features. He took a deep breath, then answered, “I thought this was the safest way. I knew Ms. Y/l/n to be quite the capable witch, with her talents in the realm of curse breaking extraordinary, her defensive abilities beyond compare.”

“That’s not an answer and you know it.”

“I regret it more than I could ever express, my dear boy. I promise you that.” Before Sirius could hurl more quiet fury his way, Lily hurtled back into the room, James right on her heels, both juggling multiple bottles of blood replenishing potion. Lily rushed to Y/n’s side, helping to administer the potion before casting a spell to help her swallow it while unconscious.

“Excellent work, Ms. Evans. With the help of Mr. Black and Mr. Potter, I expect our dear Ms. Y/l/n will feel much better when she wakes up.”

“You lost the chance to call her ‘dear’ anything the second you sent her out there alone,” Sirius muttered darkly. Lily and James turned to Sirius, shock and questions dancing in their eyes. They were appalled that Sirius would even _dare_ speak to Albus Dumbledore like that, even more so that Dumbledore didn’t reprimand him or challenge him. He simply left the room. They heard the faint _crack_ of his disapparation just outside the door.

“Uh, Sirius? What the fuck?” James asked.

“He sent her out there alone, James. He knew it would be unbelievably dangerous, and I suspect he knew there might be Death Eaters hanging around too. He sent Y/n there with no back up, and no plan once she broke through the wards. Dumbledore sent her out there not giving a damn if she came back alive or not.”

“Sirius, how can you say that? You know Dumbledore is a good man, he would never do that, especially to Order members.” Lily reprimanded.

“How do you know he didn’t? You know Dumbledore would never miss something as simple as patrols, he never misses _anything_.”

Lily looked shaken for a minute, but then steadied her resolve and retorted, “Still, that’s a huge accusation to make, Sirius. We don’t even know Y/n’s side of it, or what he prepared her for.”

Sirius looked ready to argue again, but James laid a hand on his shoulder and calmly said, “We can ask Y/n when she wakes up, once she feels ready at least. Right now, we need to focus on getting her though the night. She needs to be our top priority right now.”

Sirius and Lily both nodded, neither willing to meet the other’s eyes. Then, before anyone could even react, Lily rushed over to Sirius and wrapped him in a tight hug.

“I know you care about her, Sirius. Maybe you even love her, I don’t know. I know this is so hard for you, but we’ll get her through this, okay?” Overcome with emotion, touched by the red-haired girl’s show of unwavering support, Sirius could only return her embrace and nod into her shoulder. James joined in on the hug, wrapping both of his favorite people in his arms.

He looked over their heads at the prone figure of their Y/n on the bed, so vulnerable and so hurt. She had to pull through this, she _had_ to.

* * *

The first thing you noticed when you woke up was light. You were only able to open your eyes a crack, but the light seeped in anyway in a slightly uncomfortable but not unpleasant way.

Then there was the pain. Sharp, searing pain all along the front of your body. It made you squeeze your eyes shut again as if you could block it out. Tears began to stream from your eyes on their own accord. Godric, this was the worst you had ever felt in your life. You knew that somehow you had survived, because death couldn’t be this painful. You couldn’t help but make a small squeak of pain as wave after wave of pain surged through you.

“Y/n? Are you awake?” A large, warm hand closed around your own. You wanted to respond, wanted to affirm that you were conscious, but you could barely think straight. Soft fingers brushed at your cheeks, wiping the tears away.

“It’s okay it you can’t talk, just squeeze my hand if you can hear me,” the voice said again. You feebly clutched their fingers with your own, trying to convey that you were here. The voice was so familiar, and you hoped it was exactly who you thought it was, but without opening your eyes you couldn’t be sure. Trying to ignore the agony you were feeling, you managed to open your eyes a tiny bit. You looked over to your right and saw him.

Sirius was looking down at you from his seat by your bed. Of course you were right, you knew it was him. You’d know that baritone velvet voice of his anywhere. He looked absolutely exhausted, with huge dark circles under his grey eyes. As soon as he saw that you were looking at him, the relief in his face was palpable. The corners of his mouth turned up in a small smile, and the furrow in his brow relaxed.

“Hey sweetheart,” he whispered, gently pushing some hair out of your face, “How are you feeling?”

“I-It…hu-hurts,” you managed to croak out.

“I bet it does,” he muttered darkly, “I have some potions for you to take that can help with that, think you’re up for it?” You nodded once, begging him with your eyes to help you. He let go of your hand and reached over for one of several bottles on your bedside table.

“This first one is to help with the pain. It’s pretty instantaneous, so it’ll make you feel better right away,” he reassured as he uncorked the bottle. You tried to lift your head, but the muscles in your core screamed at the disturbance. Your tears intensified and you gasped at the sharp swell in your pain, and Sirius looked up from his fiddling in a panic.

“Hey, none of that,” he chastised, “you’re going to feel pretty shitty for a few days, but we’re here to help you. Will you please let us do that?” Fighting the urge to glare at him, you sent another small nod his way. He seemed relieved at your cooperation, then added, “Is it okay if I help you lift your head? That way it’s easier for you to get this down.” You nodded once again.

He slipped a hand behind your head and gently lifted it enough so that you wouldn’t choke when you swallowed the medicine. He cradled it as he lifted the bottle to your lips, tipping it slowly as you drank its contents. The whole time he was doing this, he wore a look of such intense concentration that your heart seemed to swell in your chest. Who knew Sirius Black could be so soft?

As he set your head back on your pillow, the relief was immediate. You were still in quite a bit of pain, but you didn’t feel like you were going to die just from existing, so that was a plus. Looking over at him, you saw he was working on opening another bottle for you.

“This one is a blood replenishing potion. You lost quite a bit last night. We already gave you some right after Dumbledore healed you, but he said you’d probably need some more. Why he didn’t give me specifics I’m not sure,” he rolled his eyes, “so I’m going to err on the side of caution and give you some.”

“Okay,” you whispered, this time going for a verbal agreement just because you could. Sirius jumped a little, looking back down at you in surprise.

He smiled again and said, “Look at you, talking and shit. Guess that potion worked pretty well?”

“Well enough, I guess,” you muttered, then decided to not say too much again. As it turns out, when one suffers a major life-threatening injury, talking is pretty exhausting.

“That’s really good to hear,” he murmured, “but I’m still going to help you lift your head, is that cool?” You nodded again, and he repeated the same process as before. Once you had gotten that one down as well, he asked, “I have a potion here for a dreamless sleep. Do you want it now or ask some questions first?”

“Questions, please,” you answered. Damn it, Lily was right. Sirius really did know you.

“Okay, hit me,” he said, “But I reserve the right to stop talking if you act like you’re feeling worse.”

“What happened?” The question burst from your mouth right away. You were desperate to know what had happened after Sirius had gotten you inside. Things were incredibly murky. He didn’t answer right away, just wrapped your hand in both of his again. He looked down at them for a moment, an expression of tremendous pain overtaking his handsome features.

“We almost lost you is what happened,” he started, then took a deep breath, seemingly collecting himself. “Lily sent her Patronus to mine and James’ place, explaining that you had left for your mission. She was so worried about you and didn’t want to wait alone. We got here as fast as we could and waited for nearly the entire night.” He took another breath, his exhale coming out shakier than before.

“And then there’s this faint knocking on the door around 4am,” he continued, “We had no idea who it was and got kind of spooked, because we reasoned if it were you, you’d be able to remove the wards and open the door yourself. So I opened it, and then I was terrified to see that it _was_ you. You were hunched over yourself, swaying on your feet, absolutely covered in blood,” his voice broke off there. Sirius brought a trembling hand to his face and covered his eyes for a few minutes. It looked like he was trying not to cry.

When he placed it back over mine, I could see I was right. His eyes were glassy with unshed tears. He still wasn’t meeting your eyes, so you squeezed his hand. He looked up at you, then said, “You collapsed on your doorstep. I got you back in here, and we tried to stop the bleeding but…but Lily’s supply of Essence of Dittany didn’t do anything. We figured it was because whatever—whoever—did this to you was using some kind of dark magic. Am I right on that?”

“Yes,” you whispered. Dread swept over you as you remembered the absolute loathing in Snape’s eyes as he had looked at you, the sick triumph as he saw his spell had connected before you had disapparated.

“Then Dumbledore did his best to heal you. He managed to close the gashes and stop the bleeding, which is something I guess. He gave us instructions on how to care for you, I whisper screamed at him, then he left. Now we’re here, and you’re finally back with us. What other questions do you have?”

“You—you ‘whisper screamed’ at Dumbledore?”

“Of course I did. He risked your life by sending you out there unprotected, and you nearly died because of it.” You both fell silent for a moment. Still processing everything that had happened, you weren’t sure how you felt about Albus Dumbledore. As much as you had studied and prepared for your task, you felt like you weren’t at all ready for what had actually happened. And running into Snape? That was something you didn’t expect at all. He had never said anything about anticipating Death Eaters. How could he have thought you could fight them alone while casting such intense magic?

“What are you thinking so hard about?” Sirius asked gently, pulling you out of your thoughts.

“I’m thinking I shouldn’t have been there at all,” you answered slowly. You narrowed your eyes, staring off into space. What the hell had Dumbledore been thinking?

“Before you go spiraling into a rage,” Sirius quipped, “Let’s go over other questions. As much as I want to see you leap from this bed and rip Dumbleshit a new one, we’ve got to get you healthy first.” The way he tenderly brushed his thumb over the back of your hand made you catch your breath. Damn it, you were still figuring out your feelings for him, and you had to go and have a near-death experience. Merlin, how much can one girl handle?

“Are Lily and James still here?”

“Yeah, they’re passed out in Lily’s room. You were out for a long time, and Lily was nearly falling asleep on her feet, so I told her to go to bed. Of course James had to go with her, he’s so whipped, but I’m glad he did. She had a really hard time seeing you like this.” Godric, poor Lily. You couldn’t even imagine how you would react if this were her laying her instead of you.

“Have you gotten any sleep, Sirius?”

“Nah, I’m good though. I wasn’t about to leave you, not for a second.” The way he looked at you, with such devotion and warmth…it nearly made your heart stop.

“Love, you really should sleep. You look awful.”

“I’m going to go ahead and ignore the last part, because if I’m not mistaken, you called me ‘love’ instead of ‘prat’ and that’s a big milestone for us.” You couldn’t help but laugh, but that quickly dissolved into a grimace as your abdomen protested once again.

“As much as I love hearing you laugh, please don’t hurt yourself anymore, okay?” Sirius murmured, reaching up to brush the soft pad of his thumb against your cheek. You managed to smile softly at him, suddenly very willing to drown in his eyes.

Damn, things could really change in a short time.

Sirius’ expression turned dark as he said, “Now I’ve got a question for you. But I want you to know that if you aren’t ready to talk about anything that happened, it’s alright. I want you to do what’s best for you, okay?” He waited until you nodded in agreement, and he asked, “Who did this to you?”

You couldn’t stop the cold feeling of horror that washed over you. When you were facing Snape, facing death, you had so easily managed to smirk and snark your way to escape. Now, looking back at it, you had no idea how you did it. Snape’s black eyes were so full of cold rage and violence, it was a wonder you hadn’t been paralyzed with fear the minute he walked up behind you.

The green light of a spell flashed in your memory. Not for one minute had you considered killing Snape, you had only defended yourself. But when Snape had sent spells your way, he was ready to murder.

“It was Snape.” You stated. Just three words, so simple really. But they seemed to ignite such a rage in Sirius that you thought he just might explode on the spot. Where there had been such kindness in his eyes before was replaced by cold fury.

“Was he alone?” He gritted out.

“Yes, it was just him,” you answered quietly.

“How did you get away?”

“I tried to distract him, throw him off. It wasn’t easy, you know how much he hates me. But once I got him focused enough on his shortcomings instead of me, I kicked him in the balls and made a break for the edge of the property. I almost made it, but he cast ‘ _sectumsempra_ ’ right as I disapparated.”

“Ah, that’s why we couldn’t heal you without Dumbledore.”

“Exactly.” You felt the trauma really sinking in as you relived it. You hadn’t even explained the depth of your emotions, the kind of feelings flowing through you while all this was happening. Your heartrate began to rise and it felt like the very walls were closing in around you. Fighting the urge to sit up, knowing it would be beyond painful, you closed your eyes and tried to take deep breaths.

“Hey, come back to me, okay? You’re safe now, I’m not letting anything happen to you. You’re safe.” You felt him press his lips to your forehead in a soft kiss, and damned if it didn’t help you calm down. You opened your eyes and looked over at him, trying to focus on his features instead of the lingering feelings of fear.

“Did you actually kick Snape in the balls?” He asked after a moment, laughter in his voice.

You couldn’t help but smile proudly as you answered, “Sure did, right on target too.”

“Damn, I’ve been wanting to do that for _years_. How did it feel?”

“Fucking _excellent,_ ” you replied with a grin. Talking with Sirius brought about those feelings of safety, comfort, belonging, and…something else you couldn’t name…from the other night. After such an awful experience, it felt like coming home. You wouldn’t be able to forget what had transpired outside of the Lestrange house for a long time, maybe even ever. But you would also remember this; how you woke up to Sirius right next to you, reading your every expression and knowing exactly what you needed.

Your eyes began to droop again, the efforts from the pain, reliving your trauma, and simply _talking_ were all taking its toll on you. Fighting the sleepiness, you tried to pry your eyes open. You wanted to stay right here in the present with Sirius, but the feeling of his thumb brushing your cheek again was lulling you into submission.

“Don’t fight it, baby. I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

The last thing you remember before falling into the oblivion of sleep was his lips on your forehead.


	4. Being Yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/n begins to realize just how much she cares about Sirius. James and Lily get pumped. Peter reveals his true character.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: mentions of severe injuries, blood, near death situations. language. physical affection. betrayal. verbal fighting. anxiety.
> 
> Originally posted to @breadqueen95 on Tumblr

Sirius had not slept for over 24 hours.

It was early evening the day after Y/n’s attack. He felt his eyes drooping more and more with every passing second. They burned and itched, and he knew they were probably so red that he looked like he had just smoked a fat joint. Godric, he wished that were the real reason. Anything but what he was going through right now.

Sirius wanted to sleep; he really did. He wished he could just go curl up on the couch like Lily had offered, or even just on the floor next to Y/n’s bed with a couple of blankets. Hell, he’d even take the stupid chair he was slouched in just so he could keep Y/n’s hand in his. But every single time he even considered letting his eyes slide shut, allowed himself to drift, all he could see was the blood pouring from her body. She had looked so small and helpless, hunched over like that. He knew he would never forget it, but to see it replayed over and over in his head like some sort of sick horror movie was too much to handle.

So he stayed awake. Sirius clutched her small hand in his, keeping his exhausted eyes trained on her beautiful face as if he could sear it into his mind. Maybe it would replace the awfulness of last night, who knows? He studied the rise and fall of her chest, and consistently checked her pulse to make sure it was still strong. Lily had assured him that she would survive, at this point it was all but certain; but he had almost lost her once, and damned if he would let her get that close to death again.

And Snape? Oh, he had plans for Severus Snape. If he wasn’t agonizing over every single detail of last night, memorizing Y/n’s face as she slipped from his grasp, he was thinking about the man who put her there in the first place. Sirius was thinking of every single way he would make him pay.

But not today. Not anytime soon, really.

Truth be told, Sirius had wanted nothing more than to march right out of the front door and hunt that bastard down as soon as Y/n had told him who had tried to kill her. He had been right in front of Y/n’s bedroom door, wand clenched in his hand, before he changed his mind. Remembering the promise he made to Y/n, that he would be right there when she woke up, he shuffled back over to his chair. That was one promise he couldn’t break. She would be in here all alone, in so much pain…and even if she suddenly decided that she didn’t want him in her room, he couldn’t bear to go far. Almost losing her once was enough. He wasn’t going to fuck up any chance he had by throwing himself to the wolves.

And if he knew Y/n at all (which he did, let’s be honest here), he knew she’d want to have her own revenge on Snape.

So Sirius got comfortable in his chair again. He played with her soft fingers, marveling at how lovely she was in every single way. Just this once, he chose peace. He chose Y/n.

* * *

You woke up for the second time in a great deal of pain, but not nearly as much as the first time. Managing to open your eyes a sliver, you saw that Sirius was right where you had left him. He looked even more drained than a couple hours prior. He was looking around your room, innocently taking in your decorations and posters lining the walls. You took in how bloodshot his eyes had gotten, and you felt a surge of concern flow through you. When was the last time he had slept?

“Love, you really need to let yourself sleep,” you whispered. He nearly jumped out of his skin at your voice breaking the silence, but a look of soft happiness graced his features when he saw you were awake.

“Hey,” he murmured as he brushed some strands of hair out of your eyes, “how did you sleep?”

Now, how to answer that? You had fallen asleep before he could give you the dreamless sleep potion, so your mind had been taken over by horrible nightmares. Awful images of the night at the Lestrange House cycled through your head, but also things that haven’t happened. The latter was the worst, because it was always things you feared the most. Most of all, the death of your friends. Lily. James. Remus. Marlene. Peter. Alice. Dorcas. And now…Sirius. You found that the thought of losing Sirius was nearly unbearable.

“Where’d you go just now?” Sirius asked gently, bringing you out of your thoughts.

“Oh, you know…Just, pain and stuff,” you muttered, avoiding his gaze, “I slept fine. A-Okay, no issues there. None at all.” Oof, he would know for sure now. Why did you have to word vomit every time you were avoiding something?

“Y/n, you keep forgetting how well I know you,” he said, “And I know you’re lying to me. Don’t you know you don’t have to do that with me?”

“I do, though,” you nearly whispered, “because you’re already not sleeping.”

“I wouldn’t sleep whether you did or not,” he whispered, “I’m more worried about your wounds, and whether you’ll be my same Y/n once this is over. That’s all I can think about, and unfortunately there’s not much you can do to change that.” His honesty nearly blew you backwards, and it brought about two very different emotions. One was sadness for him, that he was so worried and so overcome with anxiety that he couldn’t take care of himself. The other was longing, naked and pure longing. You had never had someone care about you as much as Sirius did. It was insane that you had never seen it before with how obvious the man was.

“… _your_ Y/n?”

“Fuck,” he muttered, rubbing at his tired eyes with one hand, “Sorry, that just sort of slipped out. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable—”

“You didn’t” you firmly cut off his rambling, stroking his knuckles with your thumb. He looked into your eyes at that, surprise, and happiness dancing in their depths.

“It…didn’t?

“No,” you whispered, “If you’d asked me that a couple weeks ago, I might’ve had a very different answer. But after everything that’s happened, after seeing you for, well, _you,_ things feel so different now.”

“Different how?”

“Different like…Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m not all that great at articulating how I’m feeling. I just know that it’s new, completely unexpected, but it makes me happier than I’ve felt in a long time.” You squeezed his hand and watched his expression lift even more at your words. You couldn’t help but smile at his joy, at the affection in his eyes as he looked at you.

“Merlin, Y/n…Really? You’re not just joking, right? You’re not just taking advantage of an overly tired guy with major anxiety?”

You giggled and said, “I am absolutely not doing that. I meant every word. Even though it’s not defined and incredibly vague, I still meant it. Is that okay?” He smiled at that, the purest and sincere smile you’d ever seen on Sirius’ face. He lifted your joined hands and softy kissed your palm, letting his lips linger for a moment before looking up at you.

“Whatever you do, whatever you decide to tell me, anything would be okay with me,” he whispered, looking deeply into your eyes. Gods, you could drown in those eyes of his.

As much as you wanted to stay in that moment with him, a sharp stab of pain brought you right out of it and into the harsh light of reality. You tried to disguise it, but you couldn’t help but wince as it rushed through you. A small noise escaped your lips, and Sirius’ loving expression immediately turned to one of concern.

“Damn, I completely forgot to give you your potion when you woke up,” he groaned as he reached over for the potions on your bedside table. “I’m so sorry, I got sucked into the moment.”

“Sirius, it’s not your fault—”

“Don’t say that, because it is,” he angrily ground out, “As much as I loved everything you were saying, I’ve got to remember to take care of you.”

“I’m not mad, it’s only been a few moments—” your words broke off as he lifted your head once again and tipped the pain potion into your mouth.

“It was enough for you to hurt, which in my book is inexcusable.” He still looked miffed, but more at himself than anything. You wanted to reassure him that everything was fine, that _you_ were fine, he was repeating the same process with your blood replenishing potion. As soon as you got that down, plus the pain potion, you were feeling loads better.

You waited for him to look over at you once he finished fiddling with the potions, and as soon as he did a relieved smile broke out across his face.

“Your eyes are clearer,” he said. He sighed, then a worried expression took over his features once again as he continued, “You never told me the truth about how you slept. Feel like sharing?”

You swallowed, looking away from his searching gaze for a moment. He was so worried already, how much could you add on to that? He couldn’t fix this, no one could. The entire experience had hurt you in ways you knew you had yet to discover.

“Y/n,” he interrupted your thoughts, “Please tell me. I want to help you, please let me.”

“I had nightmares,” you sighed, “Over and over again, all kinds of different ones. It’s okay though, if I just remember to take the dreamless sleep potion next time I’ll be fine.”

“Nightmares about what happened?”

“Yes, and…and others. My brain chose to show me what I’m most afraid to lose, and all the different ways I could lose it.”

“I wish I could make them stop,” he replied, looking over your face with such earnest worry it nearly made your heart break. This was the last thing you wanted.

“You can’t though,” you whispered firmly, “I just…I just need time, I guess. Maybe some therapy thrown in, maybe an end to the war, all of those things would help.” Silence followed, but it wasn’t uncomfortable in any way. The best way to describe it? Two people in a room together who simply belong there, who belong with each other. Each one of these new revelations about Sirius floored you every time. The two of you were far more alike than you ever thought, and what’s more…you had probably cared for him far longer than you thought, too.

But that was an analysis for another time, not when pain potion was making your brain fuzzy and weighing your muscles down.

“Is there anything I can do, baby?” Sirius asked. Damn it, you _really_ loved when he called you ‘baby’. As much as you wanted to cringe at that, you just couldn’t.

“Will you stay with me?”

“Of course, I don’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon.”

“You just have to promise me you’ll sleep. You’re as handsome as ever, but you still look like shit.”

“Oh, so you think I’m _handsome_ —”

“I tell you that you need to sleep and that’s what you get out of it?”

“Absolutely, I’m nothing without these looks and I’m happy you’re finally seeing it.”

“Shut up and get in the bed, you idiot.” Your banter ended right there, Sirius looking at you in pure shock.

“Uh, want to repeat that for me?”

“Well you’re obviously not comfortable in the chair, and since you won’t go sleep on the couch or anywhere else that’s the only option. It’s a queen bed, there’s plenty of room.” You patted the space next to you with your free hand, then looking at him when he didn’t move right away. “Come on, am I so terrible?”

Rolling his eyes, he retorted, “We both know that’s not the issue, Y/n. Just…are you sure you’re okay with this?”

“Yes, I’m certain,” you said confidently, “You’ll be here with me anyways, and I’d rather you take care of yourself than just sit there fatigued out of your mind.”

“Well, then I guess I’ll take you up on that,” he said with a smile, “but I’m making you take this sleep potion first, you’re not having any more nightmares if I can help it.” He repeated the same process as before, handling you with care and tenderness. The potion was already making your eyes droop as you felt him slide into the bed next to you. You couldn’t roll on your side to look at him, so instead you just turned your head to see him already looking at you. He had rolled to face you, gently intertwining your fingers.

“I like laying next to you,” he murmured earnestly.

“I like it too,” you admitted with a smile as sleep began to overtake you. Right before you drifted off, you forced your eyes open, mumbling, “Wait, I need to say something really quick.”

“Just go to sleep, I promised I wouldn’t leave you. I’ll be right here.”

“That’s fine, but I’ve kind of figured out how I feel and I want to say it,” you slurred, sleep making talking much more difficult than usual. Sirius went silent, simply waiting for you to get the words out.

After another moment of fighting sleep, you whispered, “I quite like the idea of being yours.”

He shifted closer to you, touching his forehead to yours as he answered, “I’d love that more than anything, love.”

You finally surrendered to sleep with his warm breath fanning your face, a comfort like you’d never known overtaking your entire being.

* * *

Lily and James both lingered outside of your bedroom, trying desperately to hear the muffled conversation from behind the closed door. Their heads were scrunched together by the narrow crack. Even though it was closed, that still offered a clearer sound than without.

“Did she just offer him a spot in the bed?” James whisper screamed at Lily, his brown eyes wide with surprise at this turn of events. Y/n and Sirius had hated each other for years, but this entire experience was making him rethink that perception. Ever since Lily had sent them that message, all Sirius could think about was Y/n. And once she got hurt, all he could do was stay by her side. Both he and Lily had tried to get him to leave for just a moment to eat, sleep, drink some water, just take care of himself, but he wouldn’t. He _couldn’t._

They’d gotten him to drink water by bringing it to him, but that was it. All he could do was stare at her sleeping face, wincing when she did, smiling when she seemed peaceful. It was all James could do to not yell, “Okay, what the fuck my guy?” at him.

“Oh my god, James the bed is shifting THE BED IS SHIFTING,” Lily hissed at him, swatting him on the arm as if he weren’t already hanging on every sound coming from Y/n’s bedroom.

“Holy fuck is this actually happening?”

“SHHHH she’s saying something,” Lily whispered, scolding him like she wasn’t the one making the noise. James smiled and rolled his eyes. His girl was beyond cute when she was like this.

Then, they heard it. The words that shattered everything they thought they knew about their favorite people behind the closed door.

“I quite like the idea of being yours,” Y/n whispered. Lily and James looked at each other with wide eyes, shock written all over their faces. Their mouths gaped, and Lily clapped a hand over hers in surprise and glee. All she wanted was for her best friend to find happiness, and she had suspected for a long time that her happiness might lie with Sirius. She denied it for years, but it seemed like she was finally seeing what Lily saw. How much they belonged together.

The couple nearly imploded on the spot when Sirius responded, “I’d love that more than anything, love.” Lily silently pumped her fists in the air, and James couldn’t help but laugh quietly in surprise and joy. Godric, who would’ve thought? Y/n and Sirius…damn.

Finally, James and Lily couldn’t stand it anymore and scurried over to Lily’s bedroom. They shut the door behind them, and James cast _muffliato_ so they wouldn’t be overheard. Once they knew the spell was in place, Lily squealed in excitement. She jumped into James’ arms, latching onto him like a koala.

“I knew it I KNEW IT!!! I knew they loved each other, this whole time I WAS RIGHT!”

“Hey, they haven’t said the L word yet so it doesn’t count!” He argued, but still wrapped his arms around her, securing her to his body. He laughed right along with her. Her giggle and delight was so infectious, it filled him with warmth from head to toe. She set her feet back on the ground and pulled back to look at him, her green eyes wild with glee.

“She said that she wanted to be his! I know Y/n better than anyone, and that’s pretty much a love confession coming from her.”

“Okay, but that isn’t what we agreed on. 3 galleons if they admit that they love each other, which they HAVEN’T.”

“Oh come on!” She admonished, “Don’t you want our best friends to be happy?”

“Of course I do,” James answered emphatically, “And it’s obvious how much they care about each other, but I also like having money.”

“James Fleamont Potter, you have more money than you know what to do with,” Lily said with a smirk.

“I know but it’s the principle of the thing,” he shot back, “and until one of them says the L word, I’m not convinced.”

“Yes you are,” Lily cried, pointing a dainty finger into his chest, “Sirius _panicked_ when he first saw her. And him going after Dumbledore like that? He couldn’t be more obvious!”

“…I’m still not paying you yet.”

Lily grinned, saying, “That’s fine with me, as long as you admit it.”

James let out an exaggerated sigh, before mumbling, “Fine, Y/n and Sirius are _seriously_ into each other.” James snorted at his own joke.

“James, did you have to?”

“Yes. Yes I did.”

* * *

Marlene McKinnon was standing proudly in front of her fellow order members, just finishing up her explanation of her and Alice’s findings on their most recent mission. They had been tasked with following some recruiters, seeing their tactics and how they approached potential followers. They had learned so much and felt that this information could help the Order.

“From what we saw, Death Eaters who act as recruiters approach a subject after watching them for some time,” Marlene said confidently, “How the person acts, and more so what they can do for Voldemort, all influence how they go about recruiting them.”

“Exactly,” Alice continued, “For example, we saw Travers go after a Ministry employee who had contacts with upper-level government. We found that this employee was pretty bendable, a follower much more than a leader, and that he wouldn’t require much mental manipulation. Travers concluded that because this target was weak minded and weak willed, all he had to do was make some threats along with some big promises.”

“What kind of promises?” Minerva McGonagall asked, her sharp eyes narrowed in concentration. This new information was troubling, but not surprising. Death Eaters were smart, several of them enjoying the art of manipulation and building followers for their Dark Lord.

“Travers first started out with threatening physical harm, getting the recruit to lower his wand and listen. Once he had him hooked, he told him about how following You-Know-Who would guarantee him not only safety but also power. He promised that all he would need to do was listen to the conversations around him in the Ministry, needle his contacts for information, that sort of thing.”

“So…did the man seem unwilling? Was he just agreeing because he was scared?” Remus asked.

“He definitely started out that way, but once he started hearing about the so-called benefits…his entire demeanor changed,” Marlene recounted with a shiver, “By the end, he looked positively feral with glee.”

“Excellent work, you two,” Dumbledore said, indicating that Marlene and Alice should take their seats again, “This information has given us new insight into how the Death Eaters are finding new followers, especially in the ordinary wizard. We must all take precautions and warn our friends and family.” The men and women around the room nodded sagely, taking Dumbledore’s remarks to heart. They had never been given a reason to mistrust the men, never imagining he had anything but their best interests at heart.

“Well, that ends tonight’s gathering,” Dumbledore continued, “Thank you all for your continued hard work, and let’s hope that it will soon lead to a better future.” He began gathering his notes, and the other members took this as their dismissal. They began gathering their own possessions, talking quietly amongst themselves as they quickly left the Order of the Phoenix headquarters.

“Remus, where are Lily, James, Sirius, and Y/n?” Marlene asked as she walked over to Remus, “Dumbledore didn’t say anything about them during the meeting, and he nearly always gives us an update on ongoing missions.”

Remus, who had been given some details about where the four were by James in a short letter, paused for a moment. He had been asked to keep quiet, but why? All he knew was that Y/n had been injured on a solo mission for the Order, and that the other three were taking care of her. But why would they need four people to help her unless the situation was serious? Remus had been worrying about this constantly, nearly apparating over to Lily and Y/n’s flat to see what exactly was going on. He loved his friends, and he hated not knowing what was happening.

He looked up to see Marlene’s concerned eyes, Alice having appeared next to her. She looked concerned as well, both of them seemingly silently begging him for any information. He heaved a sigh, deciding that honesty was important her. Marlene and Alice loved Y/n and having her unexpectedly absent tonight along with the others was probably terrifying for them.

“Y/n was hurt pretty bad while on a solo mission for the Order,” he sighed, “I don’t know what happened or how bad, but I know that she is alive and that Sirius, James, and Lily are staying with her.” He tried to ignore their gasps of shock and fear, but in the process noticed the sharp gaze of Albus Dumbledore piercing him. Remus tried to smother that guilt that rose up because of that look. Why should he feel guilty? He had every right to let his friends know what was going on, especially with someone they cared so much about.

So he looked back at Dumbledore, trying to put as much strength into his gaze as possible. Dumbledore eventually looked away, but Remus was left feeling unnerved. What the fuck was that about? He was brought back to his conversation by Alice and Marlene’s cycle of desperate questions, and he realized that all of this had happened in a matter of seconds.

Strange man, Dumbledore.

“Do you know anything?”

“Can we go see her?”

“Why was she sent out alone? We always have a partner with us when we go on missions.”

“Do you know how bad it is?”

Remus held up his hands to get the girls to stop bombarding him with questions, and he forced out, “I’m so sorry, that’s all I know. I’m not sure if Y/n is up to seeing anyone, but I’m sure Lily can tell you if you send a letter and ask her. Now if you’ll excuse me, I really should get going for the night.”

As the three of them exchanged pleasantries, each assuring each other that they would try and stay safe, no one noticed the mousy haired man in the corner shrinking down to the floor. He shrunk down until he was a miniscule rat, unnoticed by the people just trying to get out the door quickly. He followed the wall, sticking close to the shadows, hoping Remus wouldn’t look down. He was the only one who knew what his Animagus form looked like, and if he saw, everything would be ruined.

Peter Pettigrew flitted to the next room, following the clacking vibrations of Dumbledore’s heeled boots that reverberated into the wooden floor. He came into a small study, Minerva McGonagall already waiting for him. She had her hands on her hips and was looking at Albus with an angry and expectant expression.

“Well?” She demanded, “I’m waiting for an explanation, Albus. What on earth happened with Y/n? Why isn’t she here tonight?”

“There was a…complication,” Dumbledore said calmly. Peter inwardly rolled his eyes. It was far more than a ‘complication’ from what he had heard.

“You’re going to have to be a bit more specific than that,” she retorted, refusing to back down. “You sent her out there alone and now she’s missing. Godric Albus, is she even alive?”

“Of course she’s alive,” he said, a bit more impatiently than before. “Y/n encountered Severus Snape during her work, and while she escaped, she sustained serious injuries.” Ignoring Minerva’s gasp, he finished, “But I was able to heal her, and she should make a full recovery.”

“Albus…” Minerva began, covering her eyes with her hand, “How could you have even _thought_ that house would be unprotected? I don’t care how talented she is, I know just how much. I’m the one who taught her, I’m the one who convinced you we could use her. But Merlin, I never thought you’d abuse her in such a way.”

“She knew what she signed up for, Minerva.”

“Did she?” She snapped, “Or did you just not give her all the information?”

“I told her what she needed to know—”

“AND WE ALMOST LOST HER BECAUSE OF IT,” Minerva exploded, glaring at the elderly wizard. She had respected Albus Dumbledore for decades now, always believing he was working towards a common good. But more so, she always believed he had everyone’s best interests in mind. But now…now she wasn’t so sure.

“Why did you send her out there, Albus?”

Dumbledore let out a long sigh, grief evident in his blue eyes as he said, “I had to know how far someone could get. She was the best option, superior skills in DADA, knowledgeable about dark wards and cursed objects, blindly brave. I knew she would be willing to do the job and do it well. I needed someone to test the security, and to see when and if she would encounter resistance from Death Eaters.”

“But did you tell her that she might not come back? That she was a walking sacrifice?”

“…No”

Minerva simply couldn’t look at him anymore. She turned away, placing a trembling hand over her mouth. Never in her long years did she think Dumbledore would be so willing to sacrifice innocents, especially for something as simple as a _security test._

Sensing her anger, Dumbledore tried to explain, “It had to be done. We’re losing this war, and sometimes sacrifices need to be made for the greater good. Besides, I was fairly certain Y/n would have the courage and skill to escape whatever she found there.”

“But Albus, from what you’re saying, she almost didn’t,” Minerva muttered angrily. She looked at him, taking in the wizard as he stood before her. “If you’re pulling things like this, are we any better than them?” With that, she walked swiftly out of the room. Dumbledore lowered his head, regret shining through every pore.

Peter felt a sick sort of excitement burning inside him as he took in the scene. He didn’t learn any new information, but he knew that dissent was spreading in the Order. The fact that it was among leaders in the organization made it even better. And the information Y/n had gathered on her mission wasn’t even accurate.

He had been utilizing his Animagus form for months now, silently listening in on private conversations without being detected. He had spied on nearly every conversation Y/n had with Dumbledore regarding her task, and he had been able to warn his Lord before she had even started preparations. Security had been lightened around the House, allowing her to feel like she was accomplishing something by getting close to the house, but still keeping it aggressive enough to feel like a challenge. And Snape himself, so intent on his Hogwarts revenge, had volunteered for the task of capturing her. He had spectacularly failed on that last count, but he would be thrilled to know he had caused some life altering damage.

For all that she had done, for all that she sacrificed, she didn’t even have all the information. The real security measures had been reestablished after that night. Any Order member trying to spy would be met with fierce opposition, opposition they would not be prepared for.

Peter scurried out of the house, his new information spinning in his head, ready to present at the next gathering of Death Eaters. Perhaps all of his hard work would pay off, and he would finally be in the good graces of You-Know-Who.

It was all worth it.

Wasn’t it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I'd love to know how you guys are liking it so far!


	5. I Need You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we get some insight into peter’s thought process. sirius reveals some feelings and some insecurities. y/n falls, literally and figuratively.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: major injuries. feelings of vulnerability. fear of losing loved ones. near death scenarios. mentions of torture and blood supremacy. mentions of death. mention of alcohol. language. physical affection. pain medication.

Peter had apparated directly to the Lestrange House after the meeting. Once he had scuttled away to a reasonable and anonymous distance, at least. He swirled into reality right on the property line, just as Y/n had a few nights before. Peter smirked as he recalled Snape’s telling of the tale; how she had tried to be so brave and witty, but how he could see the dread plainly in her eyes.

He strolled leisurely through the wards. He need not disarm them or go through any of the effort she had gone through. The wards recognized loyal followers of the Dark Lord for what they were and allowed them through. The darkness did not frighten the young man as it once did. His ‘friends’, the so called ‘Marauders’, had been keen to protect him and love him like the small child he was. They coddled him, believing it was okay for him to be small.

Peter’s Dark Lord had shown him what it was to be _powerful._

Once he had felt that power, that sheer strength he had never known, he would never go back. His master and his peers had helped Peter to understand that his friends were holding him back, that they were keeping him from reaching his full potential. They lived for having someone helpless to protect, perfectly content to allow him to stay in that role. He couldn’t help but sneer as he remembered how much he idolized them. James, with his ridiculous snitch and stupid hair. Sirius, all cockiness, and superiority. Remus, the werewolf with the god complex.

Yes, Peter saw through them all now. Even that Y/n. She was so simperingly kind to him, always trying to mother him. But she only did that to appease Lily and James. She didn’t truly care for anyone, only caring about her thought out plans and maintaining control and doing the ‘right thing’. She deserved what she got, blindly following Dumbledore’s orders without asking questions. He only wished Snape had been able to capture her, then they could’ve pried Order information from her. Oh, how delicious that would’ve been.

As he made his way through the entryway of the massive house, Peter considered who he had become. Delighting in violence and subterfuge, so eager to spy and collect information. Had he always been like this? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe it had always been simmering under the surface. If his friends had truly seen his potential, understood what he could’ve been, they would have treated him differently.

They never saw him. No, but Peter saw _them._ He saw how insecure James Potter really was, how desperate for any attention Lily would give him. For how above it all Remus like to pretend to be, he was bathing in a pit of self-loathing. Peter scoffed. If only he would fight for a side that would appreciate his true form and use it to its full extent instead of repressing it. And Lily, sweet Lily. He had seen was Lily was capable of, the blood she was willing to shed. Was she so different from him and his peers? After all, they were too shedding blood for what they thought was right. And Lily thought herself so much better?

And Y/n and Sirius. They were at each other’s throats constantly, pretending to hold such hatred in their hearts for each other. But Peter saw the need for the other in their eyes. They wore it plain as day, anyone can see it. He was fairly certain quite a few suspected it already. How can two people so blind to what was in front of them be of any value to the Order? They were kidding themselves, all of them were.

Before he knew it, Peter had entered the dining room. He bowed deeply to the pale white figure sitting at the head of the table before making his way to his seat. He slid in between two Death Eaters he didn’t know the names of and waited for the meeting to begin. Being one of the last to arrive, it wouldn’t be long now.

“My friends,” Voldemort began, “Welcome. We are gaining ground in our noble cause, and we have gathered tonight to discuss…pertinent information.” He flicked those red eyes toward Snape, who openly smirked. Then they landed on Peter, who tried not to quail under that harsh and knowing gaze. He forced a careless sneer, then relaxed once Voldemort turned his attention to his audience. He might be stronger than he ever was, but even the most powerful wizard would shrink under the eyes of his master.

“As many of you already know, an Order spy by the name of Y/n Y/l/n tried to gather information on this location,” Voldemort paused for a moment, allowing cruel and quiet laughter to flit around the room. “This young woman seemed to think that she alone could disarm our wards and security in order to spy for Dumbledore. Of course, thanks to our Order friend, we knew she would be coming.” A slight nod in Peter’s direction, then continued, “Any intelligence she will have gathered will be useless. I had Bellatrix and Rodolphus weaken our security substantially. Any Order member who decides to return will be working blindly.” The cold amusement seemed to grow.

That pale, serpentine face turned toward Peter once again, and asked, “Is she dead?”

Peter managed not to shudder, and answered calmly, “From what I heard at the meeting tonight, Y/l/n is alive. Gravely injured, but alive.” Whispers of derision broke out. They didn’t blame Snape for her escape or survival, they knew Y/n was crafty and magically gifted. But having her dead would have been cause for celebration.

Peter interrupted their discussion and added, “But her attack, and her mission itself, is causing dissent among key Order leaders,” the room went silent, “I listened to a conversation between McGonagall and Dumbledore. It seems Y/n was a…how did she put it…’walking sacrifice’.” Out of the corner of his eyes, Peter saw his master smile. “It seems to have caused a crack that may not be repairable.”

The Dark Lord threaded those spidery fingers together, looking at Peter with a look that sent a thrill down his spine. He said, “Peter, you have given us valuable knowledge. It has led to the injury of a key Order member, who could be a great threat, along with causing a fracture in the organization itself. You have done well.”

With that simple praise, he felt like soaring. This was a master worth serving.

Damn the Order. Damn his friends. Damn them all. Power…power was what lasted.

* * *

It had been almost a week since Y/n’s attack.

Sirius lay stretched out beside her in her bed, a tattered paperback in his hand. It was one of the muggle books she were so fond of, and he couldn’t help but be a bit curious about them. She slept most of the time. If not for the dark magic that had caused her injuries, Y/n might have been able to make a swift recovery. But that spell…it had caused so much damage. She was still in a great amount of pain, both physical and mental.

So, Sirius read.

Even with the captivating story, that he was surprised to find he enjoyed very much, it was hard for him to concentrate. With every quiet noise she made, he immediately turned toward her to check on her. She usually woke up hurting, and he tried to be as quick as he could in administering her medication, but any amount of suffering she had to endure was too much. He wished he could take it away entirely. It didn’t help that she occasionally fell asleep without taking the dreamless sleep potion, and when that happened, she always had some kind of nightmare. As soon as he heard her soft whimpers next to him, he tried to wake her, get her out of whatever hell she was in. But sometimes…sometimes she wouldn’t always wake up right away.

It was torture, seeing her this way. James and Lily had both offered to relieve him, give him some time to himself to rest and reset, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave her. As awful as it was to see her going through so much, he couldn’t bring himself to leave. Even now, a few days later, her survival certain, Sirius couldn’t bring himself to walk away. Guess that’s what love will do to a man.

What’s more, Y/n seemed to want him there. _Need_ him there. His name was often the first word she spoke when she woke up. If she couldn’t talk, she would squeeze his hand. On the off chance they weren’t connected in some way, her fingers reached for him. And damn if he wouldn’t be there to reach back, fuck that.

At least now he had reached a point where he could step away for a few minutes. Take a shower, get some food, talk to James and Lily for a moment. He usually took the time to do these things right after Y/n went to sleep, so that she probably wouldn’t even miss him when he was gone. He knew he should talk to Lily and James more, for the distraction at the very least. Because Y/n was asleep so often, he was left alone with his thoughts…and his mind had become a very dark place the past few days.

He thought of nothing but how the girl he loved almost died at the hands of Severus Snape. Snape, who he had loathed since his school days. Snape, who had harassed Lily for years. Snape, who went out of his way to participate in the bullying and schoolground torture of muggleborns. Severus fucking Snape, who, the moment he graduated school, decided to become a blood purist terrorist.

God, he wanted to kill him. He wanted to make that fucking prick _bleed._ Sirius wasn’t afraid to get physical when he had to, especially in his adult years working with the Order. But he had never known a lust for violence like this. He had decided that first day that he wouldn’t do that, but it didn’t mean he didn’t think about it. And oh, he thought about it.

With every tear that fell from Y/n’s gorgeous eyes, with every wince, with every squeak of pain, he saw red.

So…Sirius read. He tried to forget those feelings, tried to escape to far off worlds. He often replayed those words Y/n had said so recently.

_I quite like the idea of being yours._

When the need for revenge got to be too much, which was more often than he cared to admit, Sirius replayed that memory over and over. At first, he thought he was dreaming. Had he fallen asleep from staying up for so long? Was he hallucinating? Hell, was _Y/n_ hallucinating? It could have been the potions making her loopy. After years of having such a contentious relationship with her, he never would have dreamed he’d hear those words so soon after everything began to shift.

A quiet knock sounded at the door.

Sirius looked up from the pages he was blankly staring at and saw James grinning at him from the doorway. He jerked his head out toward the sitting room, then raised his eyebrows at Sirius in question. Sirius glanced over at Y/n, and was pleased to find she was still deeply asleep. He shifted as slowly and quietly as he could toward the edge of the bed, gently untangling their fingers as he went. Getting up just as gingerly, and then padded to the doorway where James was waiting. Sirius glanced over at her sleeping form once more and couldn’t stop the gentle smile from tugging at his mouth. Closing the door softly behind him, he followed James to the sitting room.

Lily was sitting with her legs tucked under her in the corner of the sofa. She had a rather large glass of wine in her hand, and it looked like James had the matching on sitting on the coffee table in front of them.

Holding up an empty glass, she asked, “Want one Sirius?”

“Nah, I’ve got to make sure I’m able to help Y/n if she needs it.” Lily smiled slyly at him, then sent a wink toward James. “Uh…do I want to know what that was for?”

“I mean, do you _really_ want to know Pads?”

“Actually, no. I don’t think I do.”

“Good answer, lad,” James said has he made his way to the sofa. He plopped next to Lily and she instantly curled into him, like it was easier than breathing. He wrapped her up in his arms like they had done it a thousand times which, knowing them, they probably had. Sirius felt a pang of longing and thought about the girl sleeping in the other room. He wanted to get back to her, but he sat down on a soft living chair instead. Better to find out what James wanted now, get it over with.

“You look exhausted, Sirius,” Lily said quietly, “You need to sleep. I can stay with her for a bit, I really don’t mind.”

“I can’t leave her.” His answer was firm and unyielding. They had had this conversation at least a few different occasions, but Sirius’ answer was the same each time. Lily knew he wouldn’t change his mind, but she asked anyway. She was worried about him, and James was too.

“Will you at least sleep in the bed with her? You can’t take care of her if you’re dead on your feet, you know.” Logically, Sirius knew that. And he had tried a few times, he really did. He would keep trying. Y/n’s bed was so damn comfortable, it was hard not to drift off. But he always slept fitfully. Every tiny shift in her position, even her breathing, had his eyes shooting wide open.

“Yeah, I’ll try.” Lily tried to be pleased with that answer, and she knew he really would give it an honest go. But like he said, he won’t leave her.

After a few beats of silence, James cleared his throat and said, “Sirius, Dumbledore wants to come by.”

“I don’t care what the geezer wants. He’s not fucking wanted here, at least not until Y/n is ready for it.”

“Sirius—”

“ _No._ You’ve seen her, you both have. She’s out like a light most of the time, and when she’s awake she’s nearly out of her mind with pain. You really think we should put her through that?”

“I think we should ask her, next time she’s awake,” Lily reasoned, “Y/n would want us to give her the option.” He gritted his teeth but nodded in agreement. As much as it grated his nerves, Sirius knew she was right. Even if she said fuck no like he just had, at least she had all the information. That was the one courtesy Dumbledore hadn’t given her.

They sat in a tense silence for a few more minutes. Sirius jiggled his knee, wondering if it was acceptable for him to excuse himself and get back to Y/n. Just as he was about to ask, James spoke up.

“So, when are you going to tell her you love her?”

“ _James_ ” Lily admonished, “Is this really the fucking time?”

“Uh, YEAH it’s the fucking time Lily!” He looked over at Sirius, and added, “You’re always with her, you really could just blurt it out whenever.”

“ _No he can’t just blurt it out whenever—”_

“Sure, he can! Full send I say—”

“Okay what the fuck is happening right now?” Sirius groaned, running his hands over his face. “I don’t _love_ her, I just—”

“Oh come on, Pads, this is pathetic,” James interrupted, “You nearly lose your shit when she first comes home, you haven’t left her side, and if anyone so much as mentions Snape or Dumbledore you look ready to cast several Unforgivable Spells. You love her.”

Of course he did. But Sirius wasn’t ready to admit it.

“I just…care a lot about her, that’s all,” he stuttered out, “It’s not like that!”

“I mean, it sort of looks like that from over here,” Lily mumbled before taking a sip of her wine. It looked like she was trying to hide a smirk.

“Not you too!” Sirius exclaimed as quietly as he could. Feelings had never been simple for him, especially when it came to explaining them to others. He and Y/n were very alike that way. He had never fully been able to articulate to James just how badly he had wanted her all these years, and this seemed like a very poor time to start.

“I do think it’s not the best time to bring it up to her,” Lily began, “but I agree with James. If it’s not love, you care about her very much at the very least.”

“How do you know? Neither of you knows how I’m feeling—”

“I do though,” James said soberly, “because it’s how I feel about Lily.” Lily looked up at him, adoration clear in her eyes. “If it were Lily in there, I would be doing exactly what you are now. I wouldn’t want to leave her, not for a second. She’s my world, beginning and end, and if she were gone…” He couldn’t even finish that sentence. He just looked down at his wine, swallowing hard as he tried to get his emotions under control. It was a rare moment that James was speechless.

Lily laced their fingers together, then looked over at Sirius again.

“We just want you to be happy, Siri. And Y/n…it seems like she makes you so happy. I’ve seen how you look at her, I’ve seen it for years.”

“It’s only recently that she’s stopped glaring at me,” Sirius answered with an edge in his voice, “She only recently started seeing me differently. I don’t know if…” His voice trailed off as he looked down at his knees.

“If what, Sirius?” Lily prodded gently.

“I don’t know if this…the way she’s treating me…will last,” he admitted. “Once she stops needing me, what if she forgets? What if she moves on?”

“She’ll never stop needing you,” Lily replied, “Y/n’s needed you for as long as I’ve known her.”

“She had a funny way of showing it.”

“Yeah, she does. She gets so caught up in plans and analysis, and love is the unknown. That scares her. I don’t know how I’m so certain about this, but she loves you. I know she does.”

“I don’t know if I can handle it,” he whispered, “if things go back to how they were before.”

“They won’t, mate,” James murmured, “Y/n loves you, and you love her. There’s nothing simpler in the world than that.”

* * *

You woke up to a dark room, that horrible sharp pain lancing through you once again. You squeezed your eyes tighter, willing yourself to drift back into the sweet relief of unconsciousness. But once you felt that pain, there was no going back. It was all you could do not to scream.

Blindly reaching out to the other side of your bed, you felt for the warmth that was Sirius, but only found a cooling empty spot where he usually was. Forcing your eyes open, you searched in the dimness for his tall figure. When you couldn’t find him, you began to panic. You knew it was only fair for him to get up, to take care of himself. But through everything that had happened, every moment that you hurt, every time you woke up crying, he had been there. It was hard not having him with you.

Taking a deep breath, you tried to master the anguish pulsing through you. Slowly lifting your right hand, you tried to gingerly reach out for the pain potion you knew was sitting on the table next to your bed. Your body screamed with every inch, but you pushed through it. By the time you had stretched out your arm to its fullest, your hand was trembling so badly you would never be able to lift the potion. Even if you could control your shaking, you still couldn’t reach it.

Your wand was slightly closer, so you shifted targets. You managed to brush the edge with your fingertips, but a particularly aggressive tremor shot through you. Fingers practically vibrating, you sent your wand clattering to the ground.

_God fucking damn it._

Laying your arm back at your side, you tried taking deep breaths. That didn’t work either, as any large movement of your abdomen was absolute agony. You could just lay here and wait for him, or anyone really, to come back. It would be beyond difficult, but you could do it.

_But what if he didn’t?_

Sure, things had been said, some feelings were alluded to, but…your history with him didn’t exactly give him a reason to come back.

**_“C’mon, Y/l/n! Dance with me!”_ **

**_“As if, Black.”_ **

**_He had grabbed your hand then, and a spark like nothing else you had ever felt flew through your veins. All you wanted in that moment had been to press yourself against him, lose yourself in the seductive warmth of his body and the beat pulsing throughout the club._ **

**_And that terrified you._ **

**_So you pulled your hand away, gave him a cold smile, and sauntered off in the other direction._ **

Sirius had tried. He had tried throughout the years, had been kind when he didn’t have to be. Sure, he still met you word for word in all your arguments, but he had _tried._ You never had, not until recently. Not until he caught you as you fell apart in that selfless act of his, meeting your thorns with roses.

He had no reason to come back to you. None at all.

You knew it was the pain and everything you had gone through that made you emotional. Sirius had been here for days, never leaving your side. He had been so kind and attentive. There was no reason he would have left now.

_Not unless he came to his senses._

You had to go after him, had to explain, had to _apologize…_

You gathered your arms underneath you, fighting sobs with every excruciating movement. Ignoring every instinct to stop moving, to just collapse back onto your pillows, you slowly pushed yourself up enough to swing your legs over the edge of your bed. You couldn’t help but let out a quiet shriek as your abdomen stretched and contracted.

Finally sitting on the edge of your bed, you fought a wave of dizziness and nausea that threatened to take you out right then and there. But you were nothing if not determined. You breathed through it, tears flowing down your face, and tried to get yourself to stand.

_I have to get to Sirius. I have to get to him._

That need to be near him, to be touching him, to have him with you, overpowered every instinct to flop down on your bed. You gathered your strength and stood up.

It wasn’t just need, though. It was more than that. It was…something. Something deeper, something else entirely.

Swaying on your feet, you turned toward the door. Merlin, it seemed so fucking far away. Taking as deep a breath as you could, you took a small step toward the door. And with it, your legs gave way completely and sent you tumbling to the floor with a thud. The combination of blood loss and pain was enough to make this effort unattainable. As your injuries gave a great throb, worse than anything you had felt since that first night, you couldn’t help but let out a squeal. That squeal turned into a sob, that pain evolving into something that turned your entire front to fire.

You barely registered alarmed raised voices before your door burst open, the light from the rest of the apartment flooding your bedroom.

“Y/n?! Baby, what the fuck are you doing?!” Sirius’ panicked shout sounded from the door. You didn’t even have it in you to lift your head, only pressing your face against the carpet and closing your eyes.

_He didn’t leave. He didn’t leave me._

“What? Of course I didn’t leave, Y/n.” You hadn’t realized you had been speaking. Gentle hands caressed your back. “Can I pick you up? We need to get you off the floor, love.”

“I c-can’t move,” you breathed, unable to force your voice any louder.

“Okay, okay that’s fine,” Sirius answered, sounding very much like he was forcing himself to stay calm, “We’ll…we’ll, um—”

“Here, Sirius,” Lily’s steady voice spoke, “Just give her the pain potion where she is. It’ll help her enough that we can get her up.” A shaky breath, right next to your ear, as if someone were leaning right over you.

“Y/n, we need to get this potion in, okay?” Sirius murmured, gently tucking hair that had fallen into your face behind your shoulders. Nodding weakly, you managed to lift your head enough for Sirius to tilt the potion into your mouth. Afterward, you simply let your head drop, unable to hold it up any longer. It banged against the floor with a thump, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care. Nothing compared to the flames emanating from your stomach.

After a moment of tense silence, Sirius’ hands tracing swirling patterns along your shoulders, you felt smooth relief begin to spread throughout your limbs. The tears slowly stopped, and your entire body began to relax, losing the awful tension from before. You pushed yourself from the floor, faint twinges of pain making your grimace. Managing to get yourself into a sitting position, you finally looked up. Sirius was closest to you, taking you in with a look of terrified concern. Lily and James lingered not too far behind him, worry etched into every line of their faces.

“I’m so sorry,” you whispered, guilt overtaking you. You had just scared them out of their wits, and for what? A man who was right outside? You hated that you caused so much trouble.

Lily and James shook their heads at you with kind expressions, and Lily reassured, “Don’t you dare apologize, Y/n. We left you alone, I bet you couldn’t reach your potion.”

Looking up at Sirius, you were shocked to see that his eyes were glossy with unshed tears. He seemed to be at a loss for words. His hands lingered over every part of your face, softly brushing your skin as if to reassure himself you were still there.

“Sirius, I’m so sorry I scared you—”

“Don’t,” he whispered, leaning forward to brush his lips against your temple, “You’re fine, please don’t.” He wrapped his arms around your frame as gently as he could, trying to avoid your injuries. You allowed yourself to lean into him, finding comfort in his embrace. It was the first time you had ever allowed him to hold you like this, and you…you loved it. It felt like home.

As you buried your face in his neck, you heard Lily whisper, “She needs you, Sirius. She always will.” Two pairs of footsteps sounded, then the door clicked shut behind them. Lily was right, you did need Sirius. But it was so much deeper than that.

“Why would you ever think I would leave you?” He murmured.

“I don’t know, it was stupid,” you answered, “I was hurting, and I wanted you.” You pulled away and looked into those grey eyes of his and felt so willing to drown in them. “Sirius, I’m so sorry about…about everything.”

“What do you mean?

The words began pouring out before you could stop them, the pain potion lowering your inhibitions, “I was such a bitch to you for so long. I acted like I hated you, but I didn’t hate you. I never did, not in the slightest—”

“Y/n, you don’t have to—”

“Yes I do,” you cut him off, “Because I don’t want you to think I’m only acting like this because I feel vulnerable, or that this is temporary, because it’s not. It never was. I’m just—”

“Y/n.” Sirius said firmly, taking your face between his hands. “I want to have this conversation. I want to talk about every single way I care about you, how much I’ve cared about you for so long. And if you’re saying what I think you’re saying, I want to listen to every word that comes out of that beautiful mouth of yours.” Your breath caught in my throat. “But you are about to be hopped up on pain potion, and I just found you collapsed on the floor in front of me.” He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “I just…can I just hold you right now?”

You nodded, heart bursting with emotion. You didn’t even know what to say. All you knew is that you wanted to stay in his arms and never leave them, hide away for the rest of the war. The potion was making your thought processing incredibly slow, but it sounded like…it sounded like Sirius told you he cared about you and cared about you more than you could have ever hoped.

He got his arm around your back and helped you (let’s be honest he did most of the work) off the floor. He sharply inhaled as you swayed on your feet again and wrapped his arm more securely around you.

“Baby, can I just carry you?”

“Nah, I--” you yawned, “I got this.” You swayed again, but you were determined to not be an issue this time. You could get yourself to your bed, no issue. Your knees wobbled as you took another step, and you sighed in annoyance. If you could just get your damn legs to work, this wouldn’t be a _problem—_

Suddenly, you were quite literally swept off your feet. Sirius had somehow managed to gather you in his arms before you could even voice a protest. You wanted to ask him to put you down, but you had to admit, it was a lot faster this way. Placing you back in your bed with the utmost tenderness, he pulled the covers up around you.

“Before you drift off, I’m going to make you take this sleep potion, okay?”

“Okay,” you whispered, allowing him to tip it into your mouth. It was a very similar scene from a few nights ago, with your eyes slowly closing and him getting into the bed next to you.

“Please hold me,” you whispered, needing to feel him. He wrapped his arm around you, and you slowly but surely shifted onto your side to be closer to him.

“Hey, look at that,” he murmured, “you’re on your side! Are you sure it doesn’t hurt?” Shaking your head, you burrowed your face into his chest. He wrapped his other arm around your waist, holding your securely to him. He pressed kiss after kiss to your forehead, your temple, your cheeks, everywhere on your face but where you really wanted.

But it was good that he waited. You wanted to be fully aware when that happened. You wanted to remember it.

No words were exchanged this time, but you didn’t need to. You knew he was yours.

* * *

“How can he think we don’t know?” Lily muttered as she took in the scene, “He’s the most obvious fucking person in the world.”

“I always knew he was a bit thick, but this is on another level.”

“We have the most stubborn friends in the world, I swear to Godric.”

Even with their exasperated words, Lily and James couldn’t help but feel lighter as they watched their favorite people finally find light and love in each other. All they had to do now…was say it.


	6. The Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/n finally tells Sirius how much he means to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: serious injuries. physical pain. healing. physical and emotional affection. romantic feelings. pain medication. language.

Sirius woke up disoriented to a dark and quiet room, the steady breathing of someone next to him. Someone who was in his arms.

Wait, not just someone. _Y/n._

Everything came back in a rush, and Sirius tried to blink hard against the sleepiness. He remembered everything about…when was that, exactly? He had been talking about his feelings for her with James and Lily, a great thump had sounded from her room, and she had been on the floor. She was in so much pain, it had nearly torn a hole in his heart seeing her hurting so much. But she…she had wanted to say something, something he hadn’t let her say.

And now…here she was, exactly where he had wanted her to be every night for as long as he could remember.

Sirius shifted slowly and looked down at her face. In the dim light on what seemed to be early morning, he couldn’t help but smile. She was sleeping soundly, her face giving no indication of the nightmares that plagued her so often. The part he could see, anyway. Most of it was turned into his chest, one of her arms stretched across his middle, her hand clutching his shirt. His smile got wider as she made little snuffling sounds in her sleep before falling silent again.

Then, he realized.

He had slept.

For the first time since Lily’s Patronus, Sirius had slept. And not just for an hour or two, but a deep and restful sleep. The only thing that had changed was being able to hold Y/n, feel her in his arms for the entire time. That had to be it, the reason he was suddenly able to sleep. Not only that, but Sirius also hadn’t had one nightmare. He didn’t wake up in a cold sweat, or have his heart trying to break out of his chest in a panic.

He had _slept._

So Sirius did the only thing that made sense. The only thing he wanted in that moment.

He let his head fall back against his pillow, wrapped his arms tighter around the girl he loved, and let himself fall back asleep.

* * *

You woke up the next morning, safe and secure in the arms of Sirius Black.

Wait, what?

You shifted slightly, lifting your head slowly to look up at the man holding you. Okay yeah, that was Sirius Black alright. He was snoring softly, his warm breath tickling your face as you looked at him. Trying to ignore the pain pulling at your injuries, you drew your thumb across his waist where your hand had been holding just as tightly onto him.

While you were content to just gaze at him the entire morning, your torso had other ideas. Grimacing, you began the slow and difficult process of shifting to your other side. It was incredibly painful, and you had to stop as soon as you were halfway there. So, you were laying on your back. Great, right back where you started.

You didn’t want to wake Sirius. He was finally sleeping, and he deserved to stay that way. He had been fighting sleep the entire week to take care of you, and you weren’t about to interrupt that if you could help it.

Right as you were about to squeeze your eyes shut and ignore it for as long as you could (because that turned out so well last time) your fingers grazed a pointy wooden end of something. You smiled in delight when you realized it was your wand. Damn, when had _that_ gotten here? You didn’t care, because now you could take care of yourself. You didn’t need to wake Sirius up.

You turned your head as much as you could so you could see the pain potion on your table, not trusting yourself to try and do this blind. Hey, those flasks were heavy, okay? Pointing your wand at the potion, you nonverbally cast the summoning spell and held out your other hand to catch it…

…only for it to zoom right past your hand and land very heavily on the stomach of one Sirius Black.

The breath whooshed out of him and his grey eyes shot open. He looked wildly around for a moment before looking down at his ridiculously toned abdomen (hey you had made some simple observations) and saw the potion. Then, almost comically, his gaze slowly slid to you to find your face wearing a stupid _OH SHIT_ expression, hand clapped over your mouth.

And what does this fucker do? He burst out laughing. That kind of laughter where he sounds like a little teapot, all wheezing, and no sound. You couldn’t help but let out a few small giggles with him, ignoring the protests coming from your abdomen. Sirius made it very easy to laugh with him, and those protests were ignored.

Opening his eyes to look at you, he forced out, “What the hell were you doing, Y/n? You could’ve just asked for help, you know.”

“I mean yeah, I could’ve,” you began, “but that would’ve been easy, and as you know I live for making my life difficult.” He smirked, raising his eyebrows at you. “You were also sleeping, and I loved that for you so I made the executive decision to let that happen and handle things on my own.”

“I found you facedown on the carpet last night.”

“In my defense, I wasn’t trying to walk anywhere this time.”

“You still woke me up, it would have been easier to just start out that way.” When you went to argue with him again, he said, “Love, I went to sleep around the same time you did. I slept for hours, I’m perfectly fine.” You widened your eyes, overcome with pleasant shock. Sirius had nearly always been awake when you woke up, looking worse and worse each time. As you looked at him now, you realized he looked so much better. The man was handsome every minute of every day, but his eyes looked brighter. Those dark circles were less prominent, and there was an ease to him where there hadn’t been one before.

“…Why are you looking at me like that?” At that point you felt a dopey smile on your face, but instead of dropping it like you would have before, you let it grow.

“You look happier. I’m not so worried about you now.”

“I’m sorry, _you’re_ worried?” He scoffed and rolled his eyes. “You’re the one who has gashes in her stomach, and you’re the one who’s worrying?”

“Sirius, you have no idea how exhausted you looked. I wondered if you were getting any sleep at all.”

“I…was.” You raised your eyebrows at him. “Okay fine, not nearly as much as I should. But last night was a lot better.” He grabbed the potion where it was still resting on his torso, and he sat up to uncork it. “Now I know you were getting this for a reason, so you must be hurting.”

“I was going to, but that was when you were still sleeping.”

“And my being awake has changed that somehow?”

“Yes, actually. I think we need to talk.” Sirius went completely still, his eyes shifting over from the potion to you. He took a deep breath, letting his head fall onto his chest. Godric, he looked like he was ready to hear bad news. Didn’t he have any idea how you felt about him? Before, probably not. But after last night? After your desperate bid to just get to him? He had to think there was something there.

“You’re in pain, will you please just take this for me?”

“I want to have this conversation, and that potion makes me all fuzzy and not completely here. I want to be here for this,” you answered gently but firmly. Yeah, maybe this could wait. But you didn’t want to. You’d been shoving down your feelings for him for years, and you were done pushing it away. He met your gaze again, this time letting a small smile linger on his mouth.

“I’ll make a deal with you. If you just take a little bit, half of a dose, we can talk.” You went to protest, but he went on, “I know you want to do this clear headed, and I get that, I really do. But if I’m wondering how you’re feeling the whole time, if there’s even the slightest possibility you’re hurting, _I_ won’t be clear headed. So let’s meet in the middle, yeah?”

You frowned but nodded in assent. It wasn’t what you had wanted, but this way your injuries wouldn’t be bothering you as much. Sirius went to help you left your head, but you got your elbows under you and lifted yourself up as much as you could. You grimaced, but it wasn’t unbearable. Healing was slow, but it looked like at least a little progress was made.

Sirius grinned at you and said, “I’m proud of you, love.” You still let him help tip the potion into your mouth, but only because your shaking arms were helping you sit up. The pain might’ve not been as bad, but you were still remarkably weak. It would take even longer for that to go away if your pain level were any indication, it would take even longer for that to go away.

Flopping back against your mattress, you closed your eyes and waited for the potion to make its way through your veins. Sirius brushed his fingers along your arm soothingly as you waited, leaving goosebumps in his wake.

“If I’d known I had this sort of affect on you, I would’ve said something a long time ago,” he murmured. You could practically hear the smirk in his voice. You opened your eyes as the pain began to ebb, fighting the urge to smack him. But as soon as you saw him smiling at you, that urge went away, and all you could do is grin in return.

In a few moments, the sharp stabs coming from your wounds dulled to a low throb. The pain wasn’t gone completely, but it was at least manageable, and your head was still mostly clear. You took your own deep breath and rolled on your side to look at him. Biting your lip, you tried to find the words. It was a lot harder than you expected it to be.

“Y/n, I—”

“No, stop,” you spoke over him. When he paused, you continued, “You’ve been the one reaching out for years, you’ve been the one trying. Let me be the one to try, okay?” He nodded, and you tried to fight the emotion welling up inside of you. You opened your mouth, fully ready to launch into a grand speech, but you found no words on your tongue.

Sirius brushed his thumb across your cheek, and whispered, “I’m not going anywhere, baby. Take all the time you need.” You looked up at him, unable to stop the tears gathering in the corners of your eyes.

“Sirius, feelings are…hard for me. They always have been. They’re things of impulse, and I’ve always led with my head. I’ve always planned things out, wanting to stay one step ahead. But you, you were something I never planned on.” You looked down, deciding to focus on your bedspread instead of his face. If you kept looking at him, you knew you would start to cry. Sensing your hesitation, he reached out and linked your fingers with his. “At first, when we were kids and romance wasn’t a thing, I did find you annoying, but once we got older…Once we got older, it’s like my heart knew that you had the power to absolutely wreck me.” It was here that the tears began to fall. “Maybe I didn’t make the active decision to fight those feelings that were starting to form, but I did. I didn’t want anyone to have that power, not even you.

“But I’ve fought my whole life. It feels like I’ve been fighting something or other for as long as I can remember. But dying without knowing what it would be like to call you mine? To know what it felt like being yours? The longer I thought about it these past few days, the more unacceptable it became. A life without loving you is no life at all.” Sirius let out a shaky breath, and you knew he was crying too.

“Y/n…”

“So, I love you. I think I loved you from the minute I met you, through all those years of me being stupid, up until now. I love you. You’re the only one I’ve ever seen. Ever. I never knew what it meant, why my eyes only ever searched for you or why I could only ever think about you. It’s because I love you.”

You waited for Sirius to say something, to say that after so many years of you pushing him away, that he couldn’t possibly love you back. Feeling your muscles tense, it’s like you were bracing yourself for it. The silence settled around the both of you like a cloak, stretching on and on until you felt like you couldn’t take it. Even if it were rejection, you wished he would at least say _something._

“Are you…uh…going to say anything?” You asked quietly, trying to make your voice steadier than it felt. Closing your eyes, you tried to find what little protection for your heart you had left. After laying yourself so bare in front of him, you felt beyond raw and exposed. It was something you had never done, and with his silence, it was draining.

“Y/n…I love you too.”

Your eyes shot open and looked up, gazing at his handsome features in shock. You suspected he might feel something, but to hear him say it out loud…it brought you more joy than you could have even imagined.

“You…you love me?” You were crying in earnest now, and Sirius was too. He shifted so that he was right beside you, and that your faces were merely a hair’s breadth away from each other.

“Of _course_ I love you,” he whispered, “I’ve loved you for about as long as you’ve loved me, apparently. I’ve wanted you for so, _so_ long.” He rested his forehead against yours and closed his eyes. “I never thought, never even dared to imagine that you might feel something for me.”

“Why would you? I’ve been horrible to you, and” you swallowed, “I don’t know if you can ever trust me because of that, or if you can let go of everything we’ve gone through.”

“Y/n, I—”

“—and I would understand. But there’s no going back, at least not for me. I love you so wholly, with every single part of my soul, and I’ll love you for the rest of my life. No matter what you decide, I’ll love you.” Now that you’ve admitted your feelings for him, now that you’ve actually said ‘I love you’ aloud, it was all you wanted to say. You wanted to scream it to the world, wanted every single person to know that you loved Sirius Black.

“You ridiculous, wonderful, brilliant girl, will you shut up for two seconds?” Your lips clamped shut. You go and confess your love for him, and he tells you to _shut up?_

“Okay first of all, rude. Second of all, what the fu—”

“I’m kind of trying to say something here, can you just fucking let me?” Finally falling silent, he took a shaky breath of his own before opening his eyes again. For a moment, all the two of your could do was look at each other. This moment was so surreal, such utter fantasy. But you stayed quiet, allowing him to find the words he needed to say. You were two in the same when it came to talking about emotions, and he needed this time.

“I…I was scared,” he finally whispered, “For the past two weeks, ever since the party, I’ve been scared. I mean, of course for obvious reasons.” You let out a shaky laugh. “But also because you had finally looked at me differently. It was like you finally saw how much I cared about you, and that things would be different. And after you got hurt…” His voice fell away, and his tears began again in earnest. “After I almost lost you, I knew I couldn’t go back. I was absolutely terrified that after you had healed, you would remember how things were before, and that you’d prefer them that way. But after knowing what it was like to hold you, to take care of you, to be allowed to love you…that was something I couldn’t accept. I would do it, if that were what you wanted, but my life would have been so much darker because of it.

“But to hear that you actually love me…that I don’t have to go back…” Sirius’ face lit up with a smile so bright You-Know-Who himself couldn’t have withstood it. “Godric Y/n, I love you so much.” He softly brushed his knuckles across your cheek, wiping away the remnants of tears from before. Shifting closer, his eyes seemed to be asking a question. You nodded, understanding what it was he wanted. You understood because you wanted it to, wanted it beyond all reason.

Sirius kissed you.

It lit your entire heart on fire. Even as his lips moved slowly and delicately against your own, it was the single most passionate kiss you had ever had. You cupped his face with your hands, feelings the scratchy stubble that had accumulated over the past week. Shifting them up, you wrapped your fingers in the obsidian strands of his hair. He groaned, and the kiss grew harder and more frenzied. It held enough love that it made up for all the time that you had lost but held the promise of a lifetime of more.

As you tried to press yourself even closer to him, your injuries decided to make themselves known. The pain flared, and try as you might to ignore it, you couldn’t help but pull back and release a quiet gasp. Sirius opened his eyes, narrowing his brow in concern.

“Sweetheart, are you hurting?”

“I mean,” you flinched as another wave of hurt lanced through you, “A bit, but it’s fine.” You went to lean forward so you could kiss him again, but the sharpness was too prominent to ignore. Your hands fell from his hair as your arms wrapped around your middle reflexively. You tried not to, but you still ended up curling in on yourself.

“Fuck,” Sirius muttered, then summoned the pain potion from where he had set it on the table on his side of the bed. Huh, _his_ side…That was something you could get used to. It was a mark of how much your injuries hurt that you didn’t fight him as he tipped the medicine into your mouth, the rest of the dose from earlier.

“Merlin’s fucking pants,” you muttered crossly, “I finally have the chance to make out with you, and of course injuries caused by Snivellus of all people decide to stop me.” Sirius let out a bark of laughter, and you couldn’t help but laugh along with him at the absurdity of the situation.

“Godric, I love you,” he murmured, kissing your forehead. It was like he put every ounce of the love he felt for you into it, because you swore you could feel every bit of it. It warmed you from the inside out, and it felt like it took the pain away.

On second thought, that was probably the potion.

“I love you too, Sirius.” You captured his mouth with your own, settling for a chaste but sensual singular kiss. As much as you wanted more, this would have to be enough for now.

Besides, you had the rest of your lives to make up for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was able to wrap up this chapter pretty neatly, but I promise there is more coming in the story!


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